# 5 Affairs



## citico (May 18, 2004)

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

'You lying *******! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. 
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. 
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. 
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! Be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


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## Stuart Sweet (Jun 19, 2006)

A joke from the 1960s:

A woman is in bed with her lover when she hears the door open. She shoos her lover into the closet, but neglects to notice the cigar butt in the ashtray by the bed. When her husband comes in he naturally notices. 

He begins looking under the bed, in the bathroom, behind the drapes, and eventually opens the closet. 

"What are you doing here?" says the husband to the lover, and the lover replies, 

"Everybody gotta be someplace."


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## Sirshagg (Dec 30, 2006)

Stuart Sweet said:


> A joke from the 1960s:
> 
> A woman is in bed with her lover when she hears the door open. She shoos her lover into the closet, but neglects to notice the cigar butt in the ashtray by the bed. When her husband comes in he naturally notices.
> 
> ...


:scratch:


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## Stuart Sweet (Jun 19, 2006)

It loses something in the delivery, I'll grant you.


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## fluffybear (Jun 19, 2004)

:righton: !rolling !rolling


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

Sirshagg said:


> :scratch:


+ 1 on that. must be a 60s thing


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## fluffybear (Jun 19, 2004)

curt8403 said:


> + 1 on that. must be a 60s thing


Right time, Right place (Right stuff) and you can not imagine how funny it is


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

fluffybear said:


> Right time, Right place (Right stuff) and you can not imagine how funny it is


please explain to the rest of us then..


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## Stuart Sweet (Jun 19, 2006)

Well, start by reading this article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myron_Cohen

and try to imagine the world of the early 1960s. It might help to watch a dozen episodes of _Mad Men_ plus _Dirty Dancing_ and a few _Dean Martin Roasts_ if you can.


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## fluffybear (Jun 19, 2004)

curt8403 said:


> please explain to the rest of us then..


sorry you are on your on, I don't have enough (stuff) to go around!


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Who smokes cigars these days anyway? :shrug:

_[other than (not then) Monica]_


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## Stuart Sweet (Jun 19, 2006)

Nick, I specifically said it was from the 1960s.


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Sorry, Stu, no offense. It was meant to be a joke, only I forgot to add the smiley -->


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## citico (May 18, 2004)

Hard to believe. The Super Moderator hijacked my thread.


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## Stuart Sweet (Jun 19, 2006)

Sorry. I got carried away. Your jokes were great though!


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Thanks... :sure:


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## ridler2013 (Oct 24, 2008)

That's a great one... Thanks for sharing it! :lol:


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