# ******* jokes ...



## muledoggie (Dec 6, 2004)

You Might Be A ******* If . . .

. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you've got more than three cousins named "Bubba".

. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

. . . you've got more than one other named "Darryl".

. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin' contest.

. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

. . . you've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.

. . . your child's first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".

. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.

. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's Eve party.

. . . you've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

. . . you've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

. . . you've ever valet parked a snow plow.

. . . you've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

. . . you've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.

. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.

. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.

. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.

. . . you ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"

. . . you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.

. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.

. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.

. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed your hunting dogs.

. . . you can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

. . . your mother doesn't put shoes on to go grocery shopping.

. . . you've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.

. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

. . . you don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

. . . you've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

. . . you've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

. . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

. . . you've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.

. . . your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence."

. . . your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.

. . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.

. . . you've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

. . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.

. . . you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.

. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.

. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.

. . . your favorite restaurant has the word "eats" anywhere in the name.

. . . there's graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.

. . . you have grease under your toenails.

. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.

. . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What the hell are you lookin' at Diphead?"

. . . your best **** hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn't.

. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.

. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.

. . . your mama saves aluminum foil.

. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

. . . you clean your house with a water hose.

. . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"

. . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.

. . . you pawned your grandfather's pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.

. . . you took your **** dogs on your honeymoon.

. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.

. . . it's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.

. . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.

. . . you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a "freebie" at the House of Tattoos.

. . . you have a personal account of a UFO sighting.

. . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.

. . . you've ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.

. . . you help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.

. . . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear.

. . . the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.

. . . your mother's only shoes are house slippers.

. . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.

. . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

. . . you follow the tractor pull circuit.

. . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.

. . . your primary income involves pigs or manure.

. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

. . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.

. . . you were expelled from summer school.

. . . you've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.

. . . you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

. . . your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.

. . . you've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.

. . . you have a grave in your yard.

. . . you've ever stolen toilet paper.

. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

. . . your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.

. . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

. . . you think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.

. . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.

. . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

. . . you're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

. . . you quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.

. . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

. . . you've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.

. . . you're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."

. . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

. . . you've ever been hunting on a tractor.

. . . your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.

. . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.

. . . you must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.

. . . you've never seen a film with subtitles.

. . . you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.

. . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

. . . you've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.

. . . you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

. . . your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.

. . . your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.

. . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.

. . . when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.

. . . your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

. . . you can't marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

. . . you've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

. . . getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

. . . you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

. . . you've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.

. . . your coat of arms features a tire iron.

. . . you own a denim leisure suit.

. . . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket.

. . . your spare tire is a cement block.

. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.

. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.

. . . you tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.

. . . your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stuckey's napkin.

. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.

. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.

. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.

. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

. . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

. . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.

. . . people don't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.

. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

. . . you participate in a "Who can spit tobacco the farthest?" contest.

. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

. . . you're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.

. . . you've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.

. . . the front license plate of your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.

. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

. . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

. . . all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

. . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

. . . you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

. . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

. . . you refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."

. . . you've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.

. . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

. . . you've ever vacationed in a rest area.

. . . you always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.

. . . you proposed in a Denny's.

. . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.

. . . you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.

. . . you think "Chablis" is the name of last month's Playboy centerfold.

. . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can.

. . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.

. . . there's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.

. . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.

. . . you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

. . . you've ever had to move a car seat to make love.

. . . you're familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.

. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.

. . . you think a stock tip is advice on wormin' your hogs.

. . . you don't have a home phone.

. . . you think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.

. . . you think "trash TV" is something in your backyard.

. . . stealing road signs is a family outing.

. . . you think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

. . . you've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you.

. . . you have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

. . . your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.

. . . an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

. . . you thing "megabytes" means a good day fishing.

. . . you've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.

. . . your deer stand has an address.

. . . you have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.

. . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog.

. . . you've ever taken a date flowers you've stole from a cemetery.

. . . you've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.

. . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor.

. . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age.

. . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

. . . you've ever given livestock as a wedding present.

. . . you think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.

. . . people hear your car a long time before they see it.

. . . your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.

. . . your bridal veil was made of window screen.

. . . you call your boss "dude."

. . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring . . . but not your house.

. . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.

. . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.

. . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.

. . . your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.

. . . you think ribs come from Europe.

. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

. . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.

. . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.

. . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.

. . . the Marlboro man is your idol.

. . . you see a sign that says "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.

. . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.

. . . you've ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.

. . . you've ever fished from over a fence.

. . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.

. . . your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.

. . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.

. . . you keep catfish in your aquarium.

. . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.

. . . you've ever bought a used cap.

. . . you know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.

. . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

. . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.

. . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.

. . . you know how to milk a goat.

. . . you've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

. . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.

. . . you've ever hollered, "You kids quit playin' on that sheet metal."

. . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.

. . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.

. . . you've ever named a child for a good dog.

. . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.

. . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."

. . . you don't need a clean shirt to go to work.

. . . you bum a dip from your mother.

. . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.

. . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.

. . . you think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.

. . . you've ever attended a dance at the bus station.

. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.

. . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets.

. . . you can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.

. . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.

. . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.

. . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.

. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.

. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.

. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.

. . . your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.

. . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

. . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.

. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.

. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.

. . . a woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.

. . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.

. . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.

. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.

. . . you regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."

. . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.

. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.

. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.

. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

. . . your house plants aren't in pots.

. . . you think the stock market has a fence around it.

. . . you wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.

. . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.

. . . you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

. . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.

. . . you've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.

. . . making beer is a neighborhood project.

. . . you clean your fingernails with a stick.

. . . you've ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.

. . . there is a restraining order on your pets.

. . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.

. . . you wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.

. . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.

. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

. . . you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

. . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.

. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.

. . . in preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.

. . . you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.

. . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.

. . . one of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.

. . . your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

. . . your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores.

. . . your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.

. . . you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

. . . you've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.

. . . you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

. . . your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

. . . you've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.

. . . your screen door has no screen.

. . . there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

. . . the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.

. . . your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.

. . . your church has a "happy hour."

. . . you've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.

. . . there is trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.

. . . you open beer bottles with your belt buckle.

. . . you've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.

. . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.

. . . you use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.

. . . you punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.

. . . you think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.

. . . you wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.

. . . your pickup truck used to be a car.

. . . your favorite fishing lure is TNT.

. . . your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.

. . . you stockpile pork and beans.

. . . your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.

. . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.

. . . your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.

. . . you've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

. . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.

. . . you send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.

. . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.

. . . there are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.

. . . your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.

. . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.

. . . you think "social consciousness" means how well you can hold your liquor.

. . . you spit on your own floor.

. . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

. . . you keep a pellet gun by the front door.

. . . you've ever participated in a burp-off.

. . . you've ever heckled during a eulogy.

. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.

. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.

. . . you taught your children how to play "Pull My Finger."

. . . you own half a pickup truck.

. . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.

. . . you own a trophy that includes the words "cow chip toss" on it.

. . . you've ever made love on a tire swing.

. . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, "Where's the nearest liquor store?"

. . . you show strangers your war wound.

. . . your mailing address includes the word "holler."

. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.

. . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.

. . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.

. . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.

. . . you own every Box Car Willie album.

. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.

. . . you select a date's corsage to match her tattoo.

. . . you're over 30 and still giving other people "wedgies."

. . . you have three first names.

. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

. . . you've ever water-skied in your underwear.

. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.

. . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

. . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.

. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.

. . . you've ever slow danced at a Waffle House.

. . . you videotape fishing shows.

. . . you've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.

. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.

. . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.

. . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.

. . . your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.

. . . someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

. . . your masseuse uses lard.

. . . your family's #1 enemy is revenuers.

. . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.

. . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."

. . . your favorite cap says, "Babymaker."

. . . you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

. . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

. . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.

. . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work.

. . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

. . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.

. . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.

. . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

. . . you fish coins out of public fountains.

. . . your Grandma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. (from Carl Elston)

. . . your neighbor has a refridgerator on his front porch stocked with beer so he won't have to get off the sofa to welcome friends. (from ThomasChargers)

. . . you put a 5 dollar bill in a pop machine. (from SEG5270164)

. . . you steal money from the Salvation Army buckets. (from Jethro Bob)

. . . you have ever been evicted from a place you own. (from JNie106388)

. . . you live in El Reno, Oklahoma. (from RGoeri1036)

. . . you stare at a can of orange juice, because it says "concentrate." (from Elizabeth Morales)

. . . you take your wife to your mistress's wedding. (from Poochy Lady and Buzz^1)

. . . you use channel locks for a nose hair trimmer. (from Scott Gentry)

. . . it took you twenty years to figure out how to add single digit numbers. (from Renisja)

. . . you spit in the skillet to check the temperature. (from Jrf5664)

. . . your father is in the same grade you are. (from Jrf5664)

. . . the best 5 years of your life were in the second grade. (from Bnsmxpd)

. . . your richest relative invites you over to take the wheels off his new trailer. (from Bnsmxpd)

. . . you're on your third marriage and still have the same in-laws. (from Loubrain)

. . . your 14 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table - in front of her two kids. (from Loubrain)

. . . on the 4th of July you spend it at the waffle house beside a drunk while waiting to get your pastor out of jail (true stroy). (from BugJhnny)

. . . a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck. (from sobeerman)

. . . you win the lottery and buy a double wide trailor. (from Scottk1000)

. . . your wife is so ugly you take her everywhere you go so you never have to kiss her good-bye. (from sobeerman)

. . . you have to use a ladder to get in your truck. (from sobeerman)

. . . you ever fly a kite with a fishing pole. (from LOOKWEBRSMT)

. . . you wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is. (from MEllin4266)

. . . you have more than 5 fast food bags in your car. (from MEllin4266)

. . . Rocky Top is your favorite song (for all the Vols fans!). (from MEllin4266)

. . . your divorce granted from first wife and your license to wed to your second wife are in the same newspaper. (from Karen Ray)

. . . your girlfriend thinks you're a real gentleman because you only scratch your crotch while playing softball. (from JCol641202)

. . . you stop picking your nose in traffic long enough to wink at the girl next to you. (from JCol641202)

. . . you found your wife's christmas present along side the road. (from JCol641202)

. . . you think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone. (from JCol641202)

. . . your mother kicked you out of the house because you pawned her favorite chainsaw to buy a deer tag. (from JCol641202)

. . . you have to keep a step ladder handy to open your truck door for your girlfrend. (from JCol641202)

. . . you ever been rushed to the emergency room because you swallowed your redman. (from JCol641202)

. . . your daughter gets married before you do. (from MojoDncr)

. . . when finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn't know was there. (from MojoDncr)

. . . you have the bail bondsman on speed dial. (from MojoDncr)

. . . you think the "Nutcracker" is something you do on the diving board. (from MojoDncr)

. . . your excuse for missing your oldest sons grauation is, "Hell woman, you think the crappie bite like this all year?" (from JCol641202)

. . . you hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal. (from JCol641202)

. . . you just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba. (from JCol641202)

. . . you've ever asked an Amish guy on a horse and buggy if he thought he could out run your John Deer. (from JCol641202)

. . . you've ever asked a priest why he's wearing that sissy turtleneck. (from JCol641202)

. . . your favorite event at a wedding is the spittin' contest. (from JCol641202)

. . . your momma makes two turkeys for Thanksgiving, one for the family and the other for the dogs. (from JCol641202)

. . . you have to camofladge your best crops when a helicopter flies over. (from JCol641202)

. . . your mother always said keep your nose clean and from this day on you pick your nose. (from Cheesyd13)

. . . you cook perogies in beer. (from Stan Konkel)

. . . you and your best friend paint flames on your car and it looks better. (from Stan Konkel)

. . . you've ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money. (from Stan Konkel)

. . . your ashtray is too full, so you use the floor. (from Stan Konkel)

. . . you use a gas can to fill up your pick up truck. (from bdk)

. . . you use dental floss to restring your banjo. (from bdk)

. . . you have a trophy from a tractor pull. (from bdk)

. . . your favorite song has the name of a truck company in it. (from bdk)

. . . you have to climb the town's water tower to save your sister's honor. (from Nan)

. . . you and your dad walk to school together because you are in the same grade. (from Nan)

. . . your dad plays "the pull my finger" joke at family gatherings. (from Nan)

. . . you have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits. (from Russell)

. . . you go to a bar to cheer on your mother in mud wrestling. (from Russell)

. . . your pillow case doubles as your bowling bag. (from Russell)

. . . you keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can. (from Russell)

. . . you think the internet is something you use fishing. (from Russell)

. . . you have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house. (from Russell)

. . . when someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats. (from Russell)

. . . you have to take out a loan to pay off the tire store. (from Russell)

. . . you ever shot a deer with a tater gun. (from Russell)

. . . you have ever worn camo to a funeral. (from Russell)

. . . your idea of home security is keeping all the guns loaded. (from Russell)

. . . you have ever been too drunk to fish. (from Russell)

. . . you're at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says,"I'm related to you!!!" (from SeXXXyByRd)

. . . your belt buckle doubles as an I.D. (from SeXXXyByRd)

. . . you bum a smoke from your third grade kid. (from SeXXXyByRd)

. . . you know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper. (from SeXXXyByRd)

. . . when you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer. (from SeXXXyByRd)

. . . your halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife. (from Benji256)

. . . you are the youngest in the family and the first to graduate. (from Shawn Bancuk)

. . . your neighbors refer to you as the pig farmers and you don't have any pigs. (from Shawn Bancuk)

. . . you play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get four teeth kicked out. (from DNut5007)

. . . you think think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped. (from DNut5007)

. . . you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags." (from DNut5007)

. . . you've had a custody fight over a hunting dog. (from POOHBEARLQ)

. . . you burn your lawn instead of mowing it. (from POOHBEARLQ)

. . . you bring a video camera to a funeral. (from POOHBEARLQ)

. . . you have ever mowed the grass and found a car. (from DreamJLE)

. . . you have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob. (from Rebel6869)

. . . you swallow a minnow just to impress the lady cashier at the local bait shop. (from cbreeze22)

. . . you flick rubber bands at **** roaches. (from LTre201867)

. . . you wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma's BB gun. (from LTre201867)

. . . you take your car to the repair shop to have the donut tires rotated. (from Jennifer Newman)

. . . you make change in the offering plate. (from DINOHEAD42)

. . . you can recite your vowels in one burp. (from Shannon)

. . . you practice your cow chip throwing techniques while they're still fresh. (from [email protected])

. . . you take a bag to an All-You-Can-Eat bar. (from Hendu16)

. . . you use your native language, to cuss at your kids, to cover up the fact that you are a ******* in your native country. (from butterflybady)

. . . your favorite stick is your fishing pole. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your favorite shoes were bought at a yard sale (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your bathroom is your favorite make-out place. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . none of these jokes are making sense to you. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you use your weed whacker as a toothpick. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your wreath is made out of beer cans. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you use duct tape as bikini wax. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell's alapahbet soup. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your engine is duct-taped to your car. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your outhouse is in your front yard. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you wear your Mom's dress that she wore at her funeral. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you clean your toilet with the tooth brush that you use every day. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you have sheep in your backyard because they never, ever tell. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your favorite song is --------Old McDonald!!!!! (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your toilet seat says "Sit Here". (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . when you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . PMS stands for "Parent Medical System." (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you bathe your cat in the toilet. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you use your shower curtain as your Prom dress. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you use your shoe as a tobacco can. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you use your water gun as a shower sprayer. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you use your boxers as a surrender flag. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your trasportaion is your boat. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . your favorite place is your deerstand. (from BLUEDAZE94016734)

. . . you think dingle berries are a fruit. (from CelticRebl)

. . . you strung Christmas lights on an old truck parked in your yard. (from Thomas Smith)

. . . you give your best bud a carton of cigarrettes as a wedding gift. (from Shirley L McDonald)

. . . the tailgate on your truck is also your lawn furniture. (from RednkJeff)

. . . your at a family reuniuon, your mother-in-law goes to the bathroom and then says, "Y'all come look at this 'fore I flush it." (from Kim Y.)

. . . you had to call the police department to get your flare gun back. (from Wayne D. Maxted)

. . . you use the CD-ROM drive on your computer to hold your beer. (from SSIS87)

. . . you've ever had sex in a sattelite dish. (from GTTEAMBMX)

. . . you own more than 5 trucks that you need ladders to get into. (from Angel)

. . . you have a piece of cardboard that says "No Trespassing" beside your front door. (from HellraisernNC)

. . . your wife's idea of a sanitary napkin is one of your dirty work socks left beside the toilet. (from JsscStev)

. . . you always start a story with "Y'all aint gonna believe this!" (from RE3Freak)

. . . you think that "Winnie-the-Pooh" is something your Granny just left on the rug. (from Muffy19234)

. . . you have three kids named: Peggy Sue, Peggy Jean, & Billy Bob. (from JGK)

. . . your truck has a variety or different make of parts (ex. Chevy radiator, Dodge starter, Ford body). (from CrazyredriderX)

. . . you eat your daily road-kill out of the same dirty bowl every night. (from Robinsaponaro)

. . . you bring home from school a certificate as "The Best Reader in the Fourth Grade" for three years in a row.

. . . your pick-up has four new tires and none of them are the same size. (from Gaylene Cooper)

. . . you go to the bank for a loan and the loan officer asks to see the stock you have listed as collateral, so you bring in the three hogs you bought last month at the auction. (from Gaylene Cooper)

. . . your life savings is buried in your back yard. (from TEDMARIEJ)

. . . you walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them. (from Loki, the friendly maniac)

. . . you thought the Y2K Bug was a new species of insect. (from Mdebel22486)

. . . you thought the Sega Dreamcast was a new fishing rod. (from Mdebel22486)

. . . you buy your china as a grocery store special every week. (from MIRALLY)

. . . your neighbor uses left-over house paint to paint his car. (from JAY W.GUYER)

. . . you use mason jars to make lamps. (from JAY W.GUYER)

. . . your grandma gives you a wedding present wrapped in christmas paper. (from JAY W.GUYER)

. . . you can see all your family members when you're in your own bed. (from JAY W.GUYER)

. . . your dad guts one of the old TV's for a another knick-knack shelf. (from JAY W.GUYER)

. . . you think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself. (from EJASpfld)

. . . the other 13 trailers out back of yours belong to your children and their families. (from Adrian Everett)

. . . all you want for Christmas is deer pee. (from Nick English)

. . . your 2-year old has more teeth than you do. (from Lane007Fan)

. . . your dog can smoke a cigarette. (from Lane007Fan)

. . . you think "Old Yeller" refers to your brother's tooth. (from Lane007Fan)

. . . you have a house that's mobile and 16 cars that aren't. (from Lane007Fan)

. . . you have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard. (from Lane007Fan)

. . . you buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex. (from Vern Dutta)

. . . you spray-painted your dog hunters orange to, "make him look more decent like." (from Dave Simons)

. . . you've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like. (from Bak2525)

. . . your best laundry bag is made by Hefty. (from MARANN77)

. . . you're going up the highway and hear a kid ask his mom if he can get out and push their car too! (from rifsm2)

. . . you've ever worn a tie with a flannel shirt. (from JOSHUA SNYDER)

. . . someone accuses you of lying through your tooth. (from Scott Bender)

. . . you were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school. (from Tornaday)

. . . you painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it. (from Tornaday)

. . . you've ever sold your car for gas money. (from Lee Wood)

. . . you've ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere. (from SC7886637)

. . . your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread. (from Gary Watts)

. . . your brother is your wife's favorite son. (from Bryce)

. . . your lawn mower gets better millage than your car. (from CRnuts3)

. . . you run a garden hose from outside, through a window to fill your indoor hot tub. (from John H. Richardson)

. . . your local funeral home has a drive-thru. (from Lamar Fuller)

. . . when you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you're gonna "fix it up a little" (true story). (from Tommy Miller)

. . . you heard that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so you moved. (from Anthony & Celeste)

. . . you refer to deer hunting as a religion. (from Anthony & Celeste)

. . . you wore camoflauge to your wedding. (from Anthony & Celeste)

. . . truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language. (from Beanoeightlegs)

. . . you wear a tube top to a wedding. (from Beanoeightlegs)

. . . you think good china is China without any Chinese people. (from airman120)

. . . you use your computer as a stereo. (from Stormshopper)

. . . someone can circumcise you by kicking your little sister in the jaw. (from Shane Woods)

. . . the most common prase in your house is "someone go jiggle the handle." (from Shane Woods)

. . . you purposely feed the cockroaches. (from Shane Woods)

. . . you shop lift from a yard sale. (from Dunkshoot2)

. . . your uncle's 14 year old kid is out in the front lawn and sayin "Ai Pane Ai Pane." (from SailorLife2088)

. . . you itch your butt in front of your wife. (from TImboysfive)

. . . are missing a lot of teeth. (from TImboysfive)

. . . you have beer cans all over your yard. (from TImboysfive)

. . . you don't take a shower for a long time. (from TImboysfive)

. . . you use the word ain't a lot. (from TImboysfive)

. . . you miss your 5th grade graduation becasue your are called for jury duty. (from REAGAN)

. . . your sister is also your aunt. (from Oldnavyret)

. . . your toilet is a 5 gallon bucket. (from Stormshopper)

. . . you have 500 men working under you and you cut grass at the cemetery. (from JoeDebDem)

. . . you can spit tobbaco juice through the holes in your truck's floorboard. (from Lemans82)

. . . your sister has ever asked to borrow the backhoe. (from ADAMSBOERGOATS)

. . . somebody says, "HO DOWN" and your wife falls to the ground!! (from Jay)

. . . you pave your parking spot just because your neighbor calls you a red neck. (from Siress24)

. . . the first thing you do in the morning is check your critter trap, and you're dissapointed when it is empty. (from Blondebomb0068)

. . . you scratch your butt at night and smell your hand in the morning. (from REDNECKDONI)

. . . you've ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom. (from Ketchumtrainer)

. . . your deer stand has an address. (from Ketchumtrainer)

. . . you and your dog have the same toilet. (from Ketchumtrainer)

. . . there is anyone named Cletus in your family. (from Ketchumtrainer)

. . . you've ever attended a Gun and Knife show as a dealer. (from Ketchumtrainer)

. . . you have a motor swinging from a tree in your yard,a dog tied to the fence post,and someone sitting in a rocking chair that's over 75 and has a Remingtom 12 gauge ,a spit cup, and Copenhagen in the back pocket. (from Ketchumtrainer)

. . . you have a peeing contest with your wife and she wins. (from Whozyourdaddymac)

. . . you have a tattoo that says "I Love My Mommy" and mommy is spelled wrong. (from Whozyourdaddymac)

. . . you shop-lift from Goodwill. (from Cody D.)

. . . your family gathers for Monday Night RAW. (from b_purple_waves_8)

. . . you know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week. (from TStorm)

. . . you've ever used a toaster to light your cigarette. (from BuckeyesRC)

. . . you're on a date and you see a childhood friend and you tell your date "she is like my sister" and that makes her worried. (from DreaFos)

. . . you refuse to shave or bathe until you've bagged your first deer of the season. (from Debnhar427)

. . . your first name consists of initials. (from Debnhar427)

. . . you nick-name children "possum" and "critter." (from Debnhar427)

. . . you wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots. (from Debnhar427)

. . . you call your wife "ma" and want her to call you "pa." (from Debnhar427)

. . . you own a badly made, ugly gun cabinet that you made in wood shop. (from Debnhar427)

. . . the only songs you know on guitar are Lynard Skynard songs. (from Debnhar427)

. . . Hank Williams, Jr. is your hero. (from Debnhar427)

. . . you use the word "man" at least four times in each sentence you speak. (from Debnhar427)

. . . you carry a gun to the store "just in case the car breaks down and a stranger approaches to help." (from Debnhar427)

. . . you spray crawling bugs with hair spray and light them on fire with a lighter. (from Debnhar427)

. . . directions to your house include "turn off the paved road" (from Megamuff927)

. . . you exclaim "Whoo, Doggy , tell ya what!!" when you see your **** hound have pups on your living room floor. (from PhoneGrrl21)

. . . you have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant. (from RGrycki)

. . . you call toilet paper a leaf and a toilet a bucket. (from Sephroth01)

. . . you have used a rag as a gas cap. (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . your 5 year old calls your mother MOM and YOU Debbie. (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . your own farts don't seem to smell so bad. (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . you know exactly how long it takes for pizza to get fuzzy in the fridge. (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . you have an aunt-mom and uncle dad. (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . you think that "HANK" of "Huntin with Hank" is a real fine actor (BTW Hank is the dog). (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . you had your own parking space in Jr High. (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . you have a "church" cap. (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . you pull the legs off of flys then toss them into the air to see how long it takes them to "crash land". (from PLUMBINGuy)

. . . your idea of the newspaper is a 14 year old copy of Dog Fancy. (from TheDude77691)

. . . your mom is your sister,aunt and your dads mother. (from [email protected])

. . . your house has more miles on it than your car does. (from Ftkgold)

. . . your old toilet now serves as a flower pot in your front yard. (from Candida1022)

. . . you made your fishin pole outta popcicle sticks. (from TeresaandJoeS)

. . . you have to fill your toilet up with lake water to use the bathroom. (from TeresaandJoeS)

. . . you ask whats for dinner and your wife props her legs on the table and says "crabs". (from TeresaandJoeS)

. . . your computer don't work cuz the cat ate the mouse.

. . . you're having sex with your wife and she tells you, "That tickles." (from O4josh)

. . . you think a lava lamp is erotic. (from O4josh)

. . . your bathroom is 50 feet away from your house. (from GoPed818)

. . . your husband is going out huntin and puts on urin and it turns you on. (from Tab358)

. . . you think a date is going out mooning people. (from Tab358)

. . . you took your sister/brother to the prom. (from Tab358)

. . . you think dressing up is putting on all your camo. (from Tab358)

. . . you keep all your guns in a fire-proof locked safe and everything else out in the open. (from Am9786)

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, "Kiss the crack below my back." (from Jordan452313)

. . . your idea of camping in the woods is inviting the family over and pitching a couple of tents in the back yard. (from DARKRIS322)

. . . you have to watch for cow patties when you play golf. (from DARKRIS322)

. . . your lawn tractor has a better paint job than your car. (from Jcamaro83)

. . . your lawn mower is a goat. (from Ricky Barnaby)

. . . you can eat an ear of corn and spell "Home Sweet Home" on it. (from Ricky Barnaby)

. . . you base the purchase of a refridgerator on how many cases of beer it holds. (from MadameJaye)

. . . your children look more like your brothers-in-law than your husband you are worried that he might notice. (from MadameJaye)

. . . you make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can't afford to patch the roof. (from MadameJaye)

. . . you go to a drive through the person at the window asks you to shut off your engine because it's too loud. (from MadameJaye)

. . . you go to a drive through you have to open your door because your window hasn't rolled down in 5 years. (from MadameJaye)

. . . you get turned on when your wife/girlfriend shoots an armidillo. (from Relena195)

. . . your daughter thinks she a reincarnation of Xena because she has nightmares about her. (from Lil2te)

. . . you tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war. (from Lil2te)

. . . you buy your wife camouflage lingerie. (from BlueEyesc4me)

. . . you borrow a sleeveless T-shirt from your Mom. (from BlueEyesc4me)

. . . your living room furniture doubles as your camping gear. (from BlueEyesc4me)

. . . you have to steal your neighbor's paper to see what the date is or you are out of toilet paper. (from BlueEyesc4me)

. . . you can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it. (from BlueEyesc4me)

. . . you tell your wife to squeal like a pig to start foreplay. (from BlueEyesc4me)

. . . when you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time. (from Marijane42085674)

. . . your way of seeing if you need to bathe is by sticking your hand between your butt cheeks and smelling it. (from ReaperAngel15)

. . . you rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck. (from ReaperAngel15)

. . . you have a working television on top of a broken one.

. . . the gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer. (from Spike)

. . . you have a pallet in your yard with tires stacked on it. (from Spike)

. . . your garage is so full you can't park your car in it. (from Spike)

. . . you spent more money on a souvenier Clint Black shirt, than on your whole wardrobe. (from Spike)

. . . you have two pairs of jeans, and six pairs of boots. (from Spike)

. . . your front yard has any broken appliances in it. (from Spike)

. . . you have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard. (from Spike)

. . . you ever say "oh yeah I can fix it". (from Spike)

. . . your favorite night of the week is the night before trash day. (from Spike)

. . . your truck has any bondo on it. (from Spike)

. . . your car has more than three bumper stickers with the word jesus on them. (from Spike)

. . . there is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car. (from Spike)

. . . no matter how you clean your hands, the dirt under your nails won't come off. (from Spike)

. . . you think that duct tape works better than spot welding. (from Spike)

. . . you go to strip joints for family reunions. (from Spike)

. . . you re-use dental floss to save money. (from Spike)

. . . you can't work on Thursday night or you'll miss smack-down. (from Spike)

. . . you won't get your dog "fixed" because you never no when someone might want him to stud. (from Spike)

. . . Friday night is "sneak into the drive-in night". (from Spike)

. . . you have an air-conditioner on your front porch. (from Spike)

. . . you slam your truck's door and your 12 gauge makes a new sun roof. (from TakatchiGrado)

. . . you have stuffed heads from the following: deer, a moose, a mallard, a Siamese cat, a largemouth bass, and your mother-in-law. (from TakatchiGrado)

. . . that white tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in. (from TakatchiGrado)

. . . your dad pees on a rabbit's head while peeing off the back porch. (from COORSGUZZLER)

. . . your dogs kill more animals than you do all hunting season. (from COORSGUZZLER)

. . . you and your son compete for the only single gal in town with all her teeth. (from WVwishingstar15)

. . . you watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today. (from WVwishingstar15)

. . . your table cloth is a bed sheet. (from Gordon24Knight)

. . . your whole wardrobe is work boots, camoflage pants, a plaid flannel shirt, and a John Deere hat. (from Gordon24Knight)

. . . the landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars. (from Gordon24Knight)

. . . you drive your tractor along the high way. (from Gordon24Knight)

. . . your family reuinions consist of ex-wives. (from Gordon24Knight)

. . . you need a truck to move your barbecue. (from Yolanda)

. . . your toenails stick out the end of your tennis shoes. (from KrazeyRay)

. . . you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. (from Larubia3207)

. . . you have 10 cars in your front yard and only once of them isn't on blocks and the engine works. (from Larubia3207)

. . . you take a six-pack cooler to church. (from Larubia3207)

. . . you bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend. (from Larubia3207)

. . . you have a sign hanging in your living room that says "We interrupt this marriage to bring you deer season" (from Larubia3207)

. . . you look both ways before crossing a one way street. (from Flyers3102)

. . . you drive through your car port to park your blue Pinto in the backyard. (from Flyers3102)

. . . your birthday cake consisted of nothing but Twinkies. (from Joker0159)

. . . you shave your beard and find a french fry. (from GeneralLee01311)

. . . you have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack. (from Dbdtruckin)

. . . you can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a fly swatter. (from Zeakdude)

. . . your truck is stolen and sold by your mother to buy beer and Copenhagen. (from Kirk and Julie Snyder)

. . . your CB antenna on your truck doubles as your cane pole. (from Brandonharrell)

. . . you tip the waiter with change. (from Chew45665779182)

. . . your honeymoon was featured on true stories of the highway patrol. (from SteelCowboy47)

. . . you think 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size. (from SteelCowboy47)

. . . instead of buying your girlfriend candy and flowers, you spray paint her name on an overpass. (from SteelCowboy47)

. . . you think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday. (from BeauRulz97)

. . . your local yellow pages has only 3 sections: places to get cigarettes, place to get liquor, and places to get bait. (from FoOtBaLlPlAyA7)

. . . the library in your city ran out of the book "The ABC's of Belching". (from FoOtBaLlPlAyA7)

. . . the seats in your car are also your living room furniture. (from FoOtBaLlPlAyA7)

. . . you had to buy an 18-Wheeler for family vacations. (from FoOtBaLlPlAyA7)

. . . you have a Rebel flag in your front yard! (from junior5241)

. . . you have your t.v on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling. (from SailorSpringStar)

. . . your dishwasher consists of kids that you baby-sit. (from SailorSpringStar)

. . . you think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee. (from SailorSpringStar)

. . . the newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper. (from SailorSpringStar)

. . . the town policeman stops by so much, you know his 5th grade GPA. (from SailorSpringStar)

. . . your airplane cost you less than 15 hundred bucks and uses two stroke oil. (from Lawrence Benton)

. . . you say "I tell you wut!" more than 3 times a day. (from Kelly)

. . . your daddy's last words were "Hey ya'll look what I can do!" (from Kelly)

. . . your lawn furniture was in your house last summer. (from Kelly)

. . . your car uses more oil than gas. (from Shelly1179)

. . . you have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear. (from Kim Scurti)

. . . your dog wants you to be the girl tonght. (from TDOGG333)

. . . you use the car that is broken down in the driveway as a tool shed. (from Scrpah5454)

. . . fine dining is the Waffle House. (from Ferrari92687)

. . . you've ever been in a fist fight with your best friend because he said his John Deere will out pull your Farmall. (from Browning1225)

. . . your dog has a litter of puppies on your living room floor and no one notices. (from Eboom386)

. . . you fall in love with a girl and write "I Love You" using duck tape. (from BillyBobBaitShop)

. . . you think "harass" are two words. (from SwingMs)

. . . your race car looks and runs better than your own car. (from Beisballer9)

. . . you get drunk while mowing the grass. (from Donnie)

. . . you have a beer cooler on your riding lawn mower. (from Donnie)

. . . you have ever opened a beer bottle with your truck door. (from Donnie)

. . . hot dogs and pork-n-beans are your favorite Sunday night dinner. (from DeposRus)

. . . your hair is five times as long in the back as it is on top. (from DeposRus)

. . . you put mud grips on your new Cadillac. (from Patsyweeksj)

. . . your Mama yells, "Close the screen door boy, you're letting all the bugs out!" (from RSki460957)

. . . you have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch. (from Roni1010)

. . . you actually know what "puked a motor" means. (from Roni1010)

. . . you've ever been in a fist fight involving the phrase "Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator". (from Roni1010)

. . . you think 7-11 is a grocery store. (from Shaun McElhinney)

. . . your kids fall down in the house and get grass stains. (from Shaun McElhinney)

. . . you have to slide out of the passenger side of your truck because the driver's side door is jammed. (from Shaun McElhinney)

. . . if the dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles (from Shaun McElhinney)

. . . your Daddy picks you up from school in a Swamp Buggy. (from QSLUQRU)

. . . you refer to Walmart as going to the mall. (from Shaun McElhinney)

. . . your sister/brother is also your cousin. (from Txdixiechick01)

. . . your wife wears a dress on Sunday and one of you're flannel shirts over it. (from Rebelwolff1)

. . . you go into an auto parts store and tell them you need a part for your Chevy and when they ask you make and model you answer, "They're all the same." (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . you go **** hunting with a spot light instead of a dog. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . you hunt deer from a moving vehicle. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . your wife's deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . you take your wife fishing and she out fishes you and all your buddies. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . your wife can belch louder than you can. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . you consider yourself the blacksheep of the family because you are the only one not living in a trailer house. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . your mama spends more money fixing up her old trailer house than it cost to build a new brick home. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . your mama has more gadgets and accessories on her pickup truck than you do. (from THREEDDONZI)

. . . you got more antenas on your truck than the local TV station. (from Honeybee24595981)

. . . you call a chicken a yard bird. (from Oamanecer0)

. . . you get a ticket cause you got a confederate flag as a front license plate. (from Daisy May)

. . . the police are lookin for you in a brown truck so you wiped off the mud a bit so they wouldn't recognize you. (from Daisy May)

. . . your wardrobe consists of nothing but cammo and flannel. (from REDNECKTNKER)

. . . you see your grandmother naked and it turns you on. (from Honeybee24595981)

. . . you have a transmission in your bathtub. (from Honeybee24595981)

. . . you're homeschooled and you date someone in your class. (from JOYFULJENNY)

. . . your Mama was ever asked to leave a Bingo game because of her language. (from FOGHATIRONHEAD)

. . . you've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool. (from Donna R.)

. . . you finally mow your front lawn and you find the pickup truck that you thought was stolen. (from annonymous)

. . . you know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck. (from ChickenFryes)

. . . the bigest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. (from Aannetta)

. . . you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say cool whip on the side. (from Aannetta)

. . . you think a tv dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie. (from Honeybee24595981)

. . . you join the army for the free uniform. (from Brad)

. . . you wash your truck in a mud puddle. (from Countryboyz4x4)

. . . you spend more time with you truck than your family. (from Countryboyz4x4)

. . . your kids eat on the floor while your dogs eat at the table. (from Countryboyz4x4)

. . . your 80 year old grandma can shoot better than you. (from Countryboyz4x4)

. . . you have ever peed in the sink cuz your mom was hogging up the outhouse. (from Tweetheart86chic)

. . . your beer can pyramid is taller than your trailer. (from Celotheswhite)

. . . you have to mow the hoods of your cars. (from Celotheswhite)

. . . you put a sign up that says "Billy Bob & Sally wedding --->" on a carboard sign in spray paint nailed to a tree. (from Celotheswhite)

. . . you have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for ciggaretes. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . you think "manual labor" is a Spanish ambassadar. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . you have ever had to gift-wrap a tire. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . your dog's collar costs more than the clothes you are wearing. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . your kid learns to shoot a gun before he learns his alphabet. (from Myerslaue)

. . . you divorced your 1st. cousin, married your 2nd. cousin and are cheating with your 3rd. cousin. (from Armando T.)

. . . you found a toy boat in your toilet when you were taking a bath and started playing with it. (from Tweetheart86chic)

. . . you dust furniture with underwear. (from Pinehillfarmky)

. . . you sat on your roof with a loaded gun waiting for twelve midnight to roll around on Y2K. (from NBC Tutolo)

. . . your whole yard has chickens and cows in it. (from Girlsloveme67863)

. . . you not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also. (from Keith S. Penna)

. . . you give Tic-Tacs out at Christmas instead of candy canes. (from I185dude1)

. . . you have the same meal for a week straight. (from S23Goodrich)

. . . you've got a tab at the ABC Liquor Store. (from S23Goodrich)

. . . your father marries someone with the same last name as yours. (from S23Goodrich)

. . . you've ever driven a tractor to a family reunion. (from S23Goodrich)

. . . you buy something you already have. (from Jgtex86)

. . . you're trying to start a 16 hp motor and your shed catches on fire. (from REGGIE101372)

. . . you think garabage pickin' is a hobbie. (from REGGIE101372)

. . . your grandmother has to be taken out of bingo because of her language. (from Gwing12345)

. . . your wedding cake was made by Sara Lee. (from Koston03)

. . . the figures on your wedding cake wore overalls. (from Koston03)

. . . you have to change gears in your pickup by opening the hood and moving the gear arm, then jump back in before the truck drives off without you. (from Patrick A. Hall)

. . . your screen name is JohnDeere. (from Johndeere77)

. . . you think the unibomber was a wrestler. (from MMichaelOne)

. . . you think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart. (from MMichaelOne)

. . . you've ever gotten a "lap" dance from your sister! (from GBandS4ever)

. . . the fairground's main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest! (from CallmeWinsie)

. . . you take your dog on more vacations than your wife! (from CallmeWinsie)

. . . the bouqet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetary. (from Adria116)

. . . your only time spent sober is the time spent getting another 6 pack. (from Bordem420)

. . . your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. (from Totizzi4u)

. . . you decorate the lawn mower with red Christmas lights at Halloween. (from Hed666)

. . . you think Iraq is a high performance Camaro. (from CRISSY56)

. . . your pocket knife has ever been referred too as Exhibit A. (from KnightofNi62)

. . . your Sunday vest is green and consists of three different fishin' lures. (from KnightofNi62)

. . . you think that "loaden up the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. (from KnightofNi62)

. . . your pick-up is at least 3 colors. (from Caputsevilno)

. . . all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch. (from Caputsevilno)

. . . you think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat. (from Caputsevilno)

. . . both your house and car are on blocks. (from DESERTTRANSPLANT)

. . . you have a cow tied to the front bumper of your broken down Chevy truck as a pet. (from Patrick A. Hall)

. . . you use coffee filters when you run out of toilet tissue. (from SYLB261)

. . . you think W.W.J.D stands for, "What would Junior do?" (from Skylane227)

. . . any of your children were concieved under a stop light. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . you name your children after the cars they were concieved in. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . your wife's bridal reception was at Wal-Mart. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . you call fast food hitting a deer at 60mph. (from Starpuppy316)

. . . you floss with barb wire. (from slemp)

. . . your tire swing has a truck stilll attached to it. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . on cold nights, your dog sleeps on the bed and your wife dosn't. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . you are naked on laundry day. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . the words Nascar, tire, dog or shotgun appeared in your wedding vows. (from Danspumpkins)

. . . you pull one of your dogs loose teeth and keep it to have something to remember him by. (from GenieMathers)

. . . your idea of a family cook-out is the whole family gathering around the Chevy with the hood up. (from Herferd)

. . . your Computer has Winders 95 instead of Windows. (from dfowler779)

. . . your moms maiden name is Bubba. (from dfowler779)

. . . your sister has more hair on her legs than you do. (from dfowler779)

. . . your dog can open a beer can for you. (from dfowler779)

. . . your favorite fishing hole has more car parts in it than a junk yard. (from dfowler779)

. . . you think your sister is sexier than your wife. (from dfowler779)

. . . you and your dad share the same mistress. (from dfowler779)

. . . you ever told your Mom that she looks sexy in mini skirts. (from dfowler779)

. . . your wife shaves her beard more than you shave yours. (from dfowler779)

. . . you thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas. (from dfowler779)

. . . you ever had a riffle in your back at a wedding. (from dfowler779)

. . . you have a Confederate flag for bed sheets. (from dfowler779)

. . . you name your dogs after your favorite "Playboy" centerfold. (from dfowler779)

. . . you grandmother spits farther than you. (from dfowler779)

. . . you think the WWF is a romantic sport. (from dfowler779)

. . . your porn collection is also called the family videos. (from dfowler779)

. . . you have at least five hunting dogs in your bed at night. (from dfowler779)

. . . you put a corn cobb on a screwdriver and call it a back-scratcher (from KTwinkles)

. . . you have a gun rack on the back of your bicycle. (from JMSpyke13)

. . . you get kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot. (from Korn2122)

. . . you got your pickup truck from a lake. (from Tekman228)

. . . you wore your Burger King hat to your Prom. (from Billybob1388)

. . . if you think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport. (from HaulMail37311)

. . . you get your 4-wheel drive stuck. (from HaulMail37311)

. . . your mechanic looks under the front of your car or truck and asks if you work for the Roadkill Cafe. (from HaulMail37311)

. . . you have a rebel flag displayed on your truck. (from HaulMail37311)

. . . your son Bubba J.r. uses his school locker as a gun cabinet. (from GoWest78)

. . . your Mama has failed the 3rd. grade five times. (from Chillichikk)

. . . you were born and raised in a pickup truck. (from Tekman228)


----------



## Randall DBS (Aug 4, 2002)

:eek2:


----------



## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Not that we need any more  but here goes...

Your satellite dish is 40 ft up a pine tree so when the wind blows you intermittently get the 'Bigfoot' channel.

You got your satellite cut off after two months so you now use the dish as a... (choose one)

...cool dinner plate with a handle.
...birdbath
...cool umbrella
...dog food bowl fer "ole Blue"
...frisbee
...paintball shield
...wall decoration
...leak-catcher when it rains indoors
...spare tire
...steel calypso drum
...kite in hurricanes and tornadoes
...wok


----------

