# Puns for Intelligent People



## Nick

Puns for Intelligent People

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. Then, there was the person who sent ten puns to friends in the hope that one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Sorry! :lol:


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## Blue Tube

very punny 


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....




wait for it....






A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


*no disrepect intended


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## Nick

:lol:


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## njblackberry

Did you hear about the dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac man.

Stayed up all night wondering about the existence of a dog


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## Nick

No, we haven't heard that one...tell us.


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## Blue Tube

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you but don't start anything.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A boiled egg is hard to beat

A calendar's days are numbered

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key 

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds


A group of chess enthusiasists checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why." they asked as they moved off. "Because" he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


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## audiomaster

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. 
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and 
The Blonde team rode on the top level. 
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs... She 
Decided to go up and investigate. 
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' 
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!' 

Yeah I know...


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## fluffybear

audiomaster said:


> Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
> The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
> The Blonde team rode on the top level.
> The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs... She
> Decided to go up and investigate.
> When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
> One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
> 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'
> 
> Yeah I know...


:lol::lol:


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## johns70

I went to lenscrafters the other day.
I fell into the lense grinder and made a spectacle of myself.

I had a dream about mufflers last night.
When I woke up I was exhausted.


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## dmspen

Did you hear about the Buddhist priest who walked up to the hot dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything"


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## drpjr

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? Didn't believe in dog.


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## MysteryMan

Three politicians die on Easter Sunday. One is a Republican, one is a Independent and the other is a Democrat. As they approach the entrance gate to Heaven they are greeted by Saint Peter. He informs them that before they enter Heaven they must tell him all they know about Easter. The Republican speaks first. He states that Easter is a holiday celebrated with family. A turkey is cooked, pies are baked and everyone enjoys a great feast. Disappointed, Saint Peter informs him that he just discribed Thanksgiving. The Independent speaks next. He jibes the Republican for his error and then tells Saint Peter that for Easter a tree is placed in the family room. It is decorated with lights and ornaments. On Easter Eve the Easter Bunny flies to everyone's house and places presents under the tree to be opened on Easter Sunday morning. Disappointed again Saint Peter tells the Independent he incorrectly described Christmas. With a stern look Saint Peter asks the Democrat if he knows anything about Easter. The Demacrat begins by saying as usual the other two don't know what they're talking about. Easter is a religious holiday. It's about the Lord dying on the cross. Hearing this Saint Peter becomes elated. He instructs the other two to pay attention so they can learn something and asks the Democrat to continue. The Democrat tells them how Jesus died on the cross. His body was taken down and cleaned, wrapped in a sheet and placed in a cave with the entrance sealed with a large stone. Three days later if Jesus comes outside the cave and sees his shadow there's six more weeks of winter!


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## James Long

A hooker, a priest and a cop walk into a bar and the bartender says, "is this some kind of joke?"


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## dmspen

Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding. The cop asked him, "DO you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know EXACTLY where I am!"


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## Ira Lacher

dmspen said:


> Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding. The cop asked him, "DO you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know EXACTLY where I am!"


To the "principle's" office with you!


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