# Questions Questions Questions



## Doug Higley (Dec 31, 2005)

Gleaned by some one with too much time from various comedians. Some are lame but Some are very funny or at least clever...your favorites? I highlighted mine...

Why is it that stuff sent by ship is called "cargo", and stuff sent by car is called a "shipment"?

If a tree falls on a mime, does it make a sound? (and will anyone care?)

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on "Baywatch"?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, and olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

If fur coats are made from fur, then shouldn't rain coats be made from rain?

If a rain coat protects you from rain, then shouldn't a fur coat protect you from fur?

Why can't breadfruit trees grow bread?

Do radioactive cats have 9 half-lives?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Where does a nudist put his/her car keys after they park their car?

If the Unstoppable Juggernaut hit the Immovable Blob, what would happen?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?

If all babies are cute, then why are there so many ugly people in the world?

What is Spam?

If Spam substitute is artificial artificial meat, does that make it real?

Why don't sheep shrink when they get wet?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why do they sterilize needles that are used for lethal injections?

*If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? *

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why are there expiration dates on sour cream containers?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

What happens when you turn on your headlights if you're driving at the speed of light?

How did the fool and his money ever get together?

If a mute says a bad word, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If necessity is the mother of invention, then why are so many unnecessary things invented?

Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face, it gets mad; but if you take it for a car ride, it sticks its head out the window?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is it that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster is a maniac?

If 7-11's are open all day, every day, then why are there locks on the doors?

You know how packages always say "open here"? What if it says "open somewhere else"?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER, does he root against the doctors?

Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats and not parachutes?

Why do they sell cigarettes at gas stations when you can't smoke there?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?

If buttered toast always lands butter-side-down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied buttered toast to a cat's back and dropped it?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?

Why is it that we recite at a play, but play at a recital?

Why do they have braille number pads at drive through bank machines?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the stuff they use for the indestructible black box?

What would a world with no hypothetical situations be like?

Is it possible to nail Jell-O to a wall?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

If it's battered cod, does that mean they hit it?

Is it okay to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?

Why is it that if you tell a man there are billion stars, he believes you; but if you tell him a bench has wet paint, he has to touch it?

If it was only a 3-hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so much clothing?

*How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? *

Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

*Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? *

Why do we put suits in a garment bag, and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

What's another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

*When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? *

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

*Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?*

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

*If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? *

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If warm air rises, why is the atmosphere so cold?

If Barbie's so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?

If psychics know that you're going to call, why do they have to ask your name?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in their adultery?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

Ever notice what the first 3 letters of the word "diet" spell?

Why are Donald and Mickey never fully clothed?

How do you throw out a trash can?

Is dry cleaning really dry?

Why is a baker's dozen 13 things? Can't bakers count?

Do male ladybugs get made fun of by other bugs?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps from high places?

What is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?

When you stop and think, can you forget to start again?

*If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too? *

Does the information superhighway have rest stops?

*What happens if you get scared half to death twice? *

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If you aren't supposed to drink and drive, why do they sell beer at gas stations?

If you get disemboweled, do your innards become your outards?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

How can there be so much difference between a day off and an off-day?

If you've been married for a million years, does your wedding album go platinum?

What would it be like to be parked diagonally in a parallel universe?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Can you charge your Visa bill to your Mastercard?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Why do hot dogs come in packages of 12, but the buns only come in packages of 8?

Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar; but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why do banks charge an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees out today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why are they called buildings when they're already finished?

Why are they called apartments when they're so close together?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Why do scientists call it research when they're looking for something new?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they're in charge of everything outdoors?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

If it's raining cats and dogs, are they spayed and neutered?

Is there such a thing as a "B" cell battery?

If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why bother practicing?

Why are microphones so big?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Can you be arrested for selling "illegal" sized paper?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Why do irons have a setting for "permanent press"?

Isn't room temperature whatever temperature it happens to be in the room you're in?

If it's such a small world, why does it cost so much to run it?

If you die in your sleep, how do you know?

What would happen if you opened a milk carton from the other side?

Can you stop payment on a reality check?

Why do banks ask if you have money (collateral) when you want to borrow money?

How can chaos be mathematically defined if it's random?

*Shouldn't white supremacists worship albinos?*

Why and how do wire hangers get tangled together when you leave them alone?

If you're driving at 60 m.p.h. while on a cellular phone, are you talking a mile a minute?

Do bleached blondes fake having more fun?

Is there a denture fairy who leaves slugs instead of real money?

How do you display an easel?

Was the pole vault accidently discovered by a lousy javelin thrower?

How can you tell if a cartoon's family picture is a portrait or a photo?

Why don't more masked robbers hold up ski lodges?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

*Could it be that boulders are just really big statues of rocks?*

Do police sketch artists start out as the person who outlines the dead bodies?

Who puts the thin ice sign on thin ice, and why don't they ever fall in?

If vacuums are nothingness, why do we have vacuum cleaners?

How can something be both 'new' and 'improved' at the same time?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did people go back to?

Why is it that whenever someone calls and wakes us up, and they ask if they woke us, we always say, "No"?

Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? *

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

What happened to the people who had to test out Preparations A through G?

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

Is it bad luck to be superstitious?

What is the colour of a chameleon on a mirror?

If I save the whales, where should I keep them?

Can I yell "Movie!" in a crowded firehouse?

Is a virtuoso a musician with really high morals?

Where does the fire go when it goes out?

If you see an onion ring, should you answer it?

Why get even when you can get odd?

Are part time band leaders semiconductors?

Are Cheerios really donut seeds?

How do I set my laser printer to "stun"?

Were Noah's bees archived?

Why are wrong numbers never busy?

Shouldn't women wear night gowns instead of evening gowns to night clubs?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages if they're just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? *

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If all those psychics know the winning lotto numbers, why are they still working?

Why is it that friends forgive you, but enemies accumulate?

Why is it that when you find something in the store you really like, it's a sure sign they are going to stop making it?

Why are the other lines always moving faster until you get into one of them?

Why do they call it a "hot water heater"? Isn't hot water already heated?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?

Does the reverse side of something also have a reverse side?

Why is there only one "monopolies commission" in the United States?

If psychics are real, how come none of them predicted that, in 2004, the best golfer would be black, the top rapper would be white, the tallest player in the NBA would be asian, the French would accuse the Americans of being arrogant, and the Germans wouldn't want to go to war?


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## audiomaster (Jun 24, 2004)

<<If buttered toast always lands butter-side-down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied buttered toast to a cat's back and dropped it? >>

This sounds like a good topic for a graduate thesis in physics and some heavily funded research, maybe by NASA on the Space Station! I do know that if buttered toast is dropped and the cat is on the floor nearby, the toast will "self install" on the cat's back, at least momentarily!


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## Grampaw (Feb 6, 2006)

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 

This is a local bumper sticker in South Florida.

Walt


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## dmspen (Dec 1, 2006)

Why does 'After dark' mean nighttime? Doesn't daytime come after dark?


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## Unclejeff (Mar 10, 2004)

Why are people in doctor's ofices and hospitals called....patients..?


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Why is it that the department that administers a company's employees is no
longer referred to as "Personnel", but is now called "Human Resources", and
what about the other stuff a business has like computers, copiers, desks and
paper? Shouldn't all that be called "Non-human" resources? 

Shouldn't we humans be referred to as "Moving Assets" or "Warm-blooded
Inventory" instead?

:shrug:


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