# Rules Men Wish Women Knew



## Stosh (Dec 16, 2003)

Rules that guys wish girls knew:

(Please note...these are all numbered #1 - ON PURPOSE!)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we 
can find the perfect present yet again!

1. If you ask a question you probably don't really want an answer to, you
can expect an answer you probably do not want to hear.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to 
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

1. Sunday = football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. 
Let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that 
way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

1. Check your oil. Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends --like THEIR relationships are SO MUCH better!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like WINDOWS default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. That's what we do.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.! ! Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will then act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


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## John Corn (Mar 21, 2002)

:lol: those were great!!!


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## BobMurdoch (Apr 24, 2002)

A few more........

1. Remember that quote where men think about sex once every ten minutes? You were right, they WERE wrong. It's every 6 minutes (that's how long it takes us to read the boxscores, whoa nice looking legs, then the stock quotes, hmmm she's got lips as nice as Angelina Jolie, and then go through the Best Buy electronics circular).

1. As we ARE thinking about it that often, don't get mad at us for slipping once every few hours and leering at someone. Give us credit for the other 99% of the impulses we DIDN'T act on.

1. No, ________ is NOT too loud. If it were too loud, you're ears would be bleeding. (fill in the blank with the TV, Radio, Home Theater, etc. We paid for 140 watts per channel, and gosh darn it, we wanna use 'em.)

1. If I have to suffer back to back episodes of Trading Spaces on the PVR, then YOU have to suffer through the Britney Spears concert in HD. We're just happy about the, uh, 1080 lines of resolution. Damn, no wardrobe malfunctions....... Yeah, we're watching it because we like her "music". yeah, that's the ticket.

1. If we're pushing 40 we're in the middle of our midlife crisis. Let us have the sports car OR the mistress.... your pick.

1. Yes, we REALLY do need that huge antenna on the chimney. Yes, I realize we have two satellite dishes already, but we need that for more HD channels and this 5 ft. wide antenna is the only thing capable of pulling both New York AND Philly HD channels (OK, that one's just for me)

1. If you don't want our opinion, don't ask for it. Asking for our opinion, then shooting it down instantly, does NOT count as "including" us in the decision.

1. Stop complaining about us trying to "change" you. We used to wear TShirts and Jeans, sleep past noon (PM means Past Morning....), eat bad food, let our house get trashed, we never ironed our shirts, and we LIKED it that way. We gave it ALL up for you to become these Metrosexual Stepford Husbands 99% of the time (we deserve extra credit for holding the purse in the mall on a Sunday!!!!, football season or not), so shut up, put on that frilly thing I bought you for Valentine's Day and get the handcuffs. You got the rest of the time, gimme my two hours a week with you the way we want you.....

1. Let your hair grow long. Pageboy haircuts mean that they were meant for boys (the clue is RIGHT THERE). Anything shorter than your shoulder blades is bad, having it stretch down to those dimples right above your rear is ideal. Don't worry, wear those "scrunchies" in your hair if you are afraid it will "get in the way". Explain this one to Steve Mehs if he doesn't get it (just kidding) (BTW, anyone younger than Steve? I need someone else to reference when making are related jokes  )

OK, time to take my meds now........


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## Steve Mehs (Mar 21, 2002)

> so shut up, put on that frilly thing I bought you for Valentine's Day and get the handcuffs.


Ummm..... :eek2: Bob..... :sure: nevermind :scratch:

:lol: never heard of Pageboy as references to a haircut before 

Yeah there are a few here younger then me here, but like being the clueless one in reference to things from way before my time


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## BobMurdoch (Apr 24, 2002)

BTW, that was all in jest.... I can see the NOW marching up the driveway with torches and I'm all out of boiling oil for the castle wall and I couldn't afford to keep alligators in the moat any longer.....


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

One simple rule for women to follow - I like that.

<edit> Steve, anything that happened before last _Thursday_ is before your time! :lol:


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## Bogy (Mar 23, 2002)

Bob, glad to see your second post. I was afraid things were getting a little rocky on the home front. Or about to get that way. 

BTW, when I married her my wife had hair just as you desribe. Down to the dimples. As we get older it keeps getting shorter.


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

After all the info I hear from women about men and men about women, I'm so thankful it doesn't pertain to anything I have to deal with. It is so much simpler for two guys to understand each other.


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## BobMurdoch (Apr 24, 2002)

Bogy said:


> Bob, glad to see your second post. I was afraid things were getting a little rocky on the home front. Or about to get that way.
> 
> BTW, when I married her my wife had hair just as you desribe. Down to the dimples. As we get older it keeps getting shorter.


Yes, it was all for the sake of comedy folks.......

That is just the devil on my shoulder talking a little.... Things are fine on the home front..... although longer hair and handcuffs WOULD be nice for a change of pace..... :lol:


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## BobMurdoch (Apr 24, 2002)

HappyGoLucky said:


> After all the info I hear from women about men and men about women, I'm so thankful it doesn't pertain to anything I have to deal with. It is so much simpler for two guys to understand each other.


..... not that there's anything WRONG with that..... (apologies to Seinfeld)

Hey, I break out an old Dennis Miller quote I like from a few years ago....

"There's nothing more important to me than how I get more orgasms, and nothing less important to me than how you get yours. As long as it doesn't interfere with the pursuit of my own."

Hmmm. The dancing banana takes on a WHOLE new meaning now......


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## invaliduser88 (Apr 23, 2002)

:lol:!Devil_lol:uglyhamme:icon_lol::thats:!rolling


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## zman977 (Nov 9, 2003)

Stosh said:


> Rules that guys wish girls knew:
> 
> (Please note...these are all numbered #1 - ON PURPOSE!)
> 
> ...


1. If you have something to say, come in to the room we are in and say it. Sound dose not travel from the basement to the living room, through walls, or across a heavily carpeted house. (yes my wife has not figured this out yet and we've been in our house since 1999)

1. Yelling at your husband is only going to get you ignored. If you're mad at us for something, you can talk in a normal tone of voice.

1. If you're are tired of telling us the same thing over and over again, then stop saying it. If we didn't listen the first time odds are we are never going too.

1. Yes we are going to wear "that shirt with those pants"

1. The big tv in the living room is for sports, anything you have to watch can be seen just fine on the other tv.


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## MarkA (Mar 23, 2002)

Typical anti-male stereotypes  I don't know what else to say. This is really offensive to us guys. (since you yourself are a guy I don't get why you posted it. It's extremely offensive to all of us, at least those of us who proudly do not fit those stereotypes)


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## BobMurdoch (Apr 24, 2002)

Don't read too much into it.... It's called humor. If we have to laugh at Monty Python then you blokes have to learn a little American self deprecating humor (humour?)

And please don't get offended by THIS response, other than than little "disagreement" 225 years ago, I'm glad you guys are backing the US up in a lot of world affairs.....


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## Unclejeff (Mar 10, 2004)

How about, please don't lecture me on my driving when we could have left a half-hour ago like we agreed to, last night!

Or, watching some 'colorful' visuals on PBS or the discovery channel is not a comment on our sex life.


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## Stosh (Dec 16, 2003)

BobMurdoch said:


> Don't read too much into it.... It's called humor.


THANK YOU! Geez, some people just don't get it, or have a sense of humor.


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## MarkA (Mar 23, 2002)

Bob, I AM American...

And I know it was a joke, but for some reason I did find it extremely offensive...


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## JohnMI (Apr 2, 2002)

I'm not sure how you could find that offensive unless it really DID represent you and your attitudes -- which you say, of course, that it doesn't.

Heck, the first thing I did when I read this (after laughing out loud on a couple of them) was copy-and-paste it in an email to my wife! She laughed, I laughed -- and neither of us took any offense nor acted like it was an actual list of "orders" intended for her.

I just don't see how you can find it offensive unless you really just don't "get it."  

- John...


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

BobMurdoch said:


> ..... not that there's anything WRONG with that..... (apologies to Seinfeld)
> 
> Hey, I break out an old Dennis Miller quote I like from a few years ago....
> 
> ...


I don't recall saying anything about how I or anyone else gets their orgasms. There is no hidden meaning in my avatar.


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## Steve Mehs (Mar 21, 2002)

Mark, it's called humor and this is what this forum is for. Didn't we have this type of discussion a while back. If you are *offended* by posts made in this forum, then DON'T READ IT.


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## MarkA (Mar 23, 2002)

I know Steve, I do recognize the humour in most things. I was just inspired to say something after reading this wonderful success story:

http://www.menstuff.org/archives/clairesresponse.html


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## Jim Parker (Aug 12, 2003)

HappyGoLucky said:


> There is no hidden meaning in my avatar.


Seems to me that it is a Freudian slip on your banana peel.


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## BarryO (Dec 16, 2003)

1. No, those clothes do not make your butt look too big. You're a healthy grown woman, not some 9 yr. old boy or heroin-chic fashion model. Your butt's supposed to look like that.

1. Just because we don't pick up around the house, doesn't mean we think you should be doing it. In fact, we just don't think it's that important. Leave it be, I'll get around to it once every 6 months or so. Really.


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## JM Anthony (Nov 16, 2003)

MarkA said:


> Bob, I AM American...
> 
> And I know it was a joke, but for some reason I did find it extremely offensive...


Hmmmm. Seem to have the humor of a "Brit". Only other plausible explanation is that you're single.

Actually I found relief in this list. I've been married for 27 years and thought mine was the only wife who exhibited these characteristics. I feel much better now. :lol:


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## BobMurdoch (Apr 24, 2002)

HappyGoLucky said:


> I don't recall saying anything about how I or anyone else gets their orgasms. There is no hidden meaning in my avatar.


OK, is it just me? Didn't it sound like he outed himself with that post?

Anyone? -crickets chirp-

Nevermind then.....


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## Stosh (Dec 16, 2003)

HappyGoLucky said:


> There is no hidden meaning in my avatar.


I believe that. The meaning doesn't seem to be hidden at all!


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## JohnMI (Apr 2, 2002)

BobMurdoch said:


> OK, is it just me? Didn't it sound like he outed himself with that post?
> 
> Anyone? -crickets chirp-
> 
> Nevermind then.....


Um, he's outed himself many times here -- you must have missed the discussions. He's openly gay.

- John...


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

BobMurdoch said:


> OK, is it just me? Didn't it sound like he outed himself with that post?
> 
> Anyone? -crickets chirp-
> 
> Nevermind then.....


I've not kept it a secret here (or anywhere else) that I'm gay. But merely acknowledging that doesn't convey any method of deriving orgasms any more than saying you're straight or married does. The original post addresses straight males, I merely offered a meant-in-humor aside that I was glad it didn't apply to me. Does the original post give any indication of how the subjects orgasm?

Just as being straight involves far more than sexual acts, so does being gay. While sex is important to anyone's life, it isn't everything, and shouldn't be.


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## Bogy (Mar 23, 2002)

Happy, you're gay? When did that happen? I never realized. :eek2:   :lol:


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Oh Jesus!! 

Where have you peeps been?? Happy was out when he came here and has been out the whole time. Am I the only str8 dude here who speaks a little '***-a-log'? Happy is a friend of mine so please continue to treat him as you have been, which is with a helluva lot more respect than I get around this place, fer crissake, or I'll cloud up and write stuff about you yo momma don wanna hear. 

_Contrary to popular belief, clues are of no value to the clueless._

Speaking of clueless, I'm writing and sending this while sitting at the food court of my one and only local mall. Just finished up a Philly cheese steak & fries. God loves wireless and so do I!

Sending...


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## Bogy (Mar 23, 2002)

Nick, certainly you noticed all the smilies following my sarcastic post? I will continue to treat Happy with the same respect I show you. Wait a minute, that didn't come out right.  :lol: :grin:


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

Bogy said:


> Happy, you're gay? When did that happen? I never realized. :eek2:   :lol:


It happened around October of 1959, when I was conceived by my parents.


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## Stosh (Dec 16, 2003)

Nick said:


> ...treat him as you have been, which is with a helluva lot more respect than I get around this place......


Oh, c'mon...as our "resident curmudgeon", you wouldn't be happy if we treated you with respect! 



Nick said:


> Just finished up a Philly cheese steak & fries.


A Philly cheese steak in Georgia?  Was that "wit" or "witout"? And it can't be authentic if it ain't on an Amoroso roll! :nono2:


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

Nick said:


> Oh Jesus!!
> 
> Where have you peeps been?? Happy was out when he came here and has been out the whole time. Am I the only str8 dude here who speaks a little '***-a-log'? Happy is a friend of mine so please continue to treat him as you have been, which is with a helluva lot more respect than I get around this place, fer crissake, or I'll cloud up and write stuff about you yo momma don wanna hear.
> 
> ...


You go, girlfriend! :new_smili


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

_Jes don' start callin' me "honey", or I be bit-slappin' you to a Army surplus store._


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## JohnMI (Apr 2, 2002)

HappyGoLucky said:


> It happened around October of 1959, when I was conceived by my parents.


That's just sick!

Ok -- so -- do you have photos? :grin:

- John...


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## Redster (Jan 14, 2004)

Bogy said:


> Nick, certainly you noticed all the smilies following my sarcastic post? I will continue to treat Happy with the same respect I show you. Wait a minute, that didn't come out right.  :lol: :grin:


 :nono2: I notice this happens a lot,, maybe we should be smiley faces before comments.


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

jgoggan said:


> That's just sick!
> 
> Ok -- so -- do you have photos? :grin:
> 
> - John...


Uh, no. As to it being "sick", I would have to assume you, too, were conceived by your parents at some point. Or are you the product of parthenogenesis?


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## Redster (Jan 14, 2004)

In parthenogenesis ("virgin birth"), the females produce eggs, but these develop into young without ever being fertilized. 

Parthenogenesis occurs in some fishes, several kinds of insects, and a few species of lizards.

Ewwww ,, jgoggan.


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## djlong (Jul 8, 2002)

Reminds me of the line Danny DeVito had on "Taxi" concerning Reverend Jim when they heard something about Jim's father:

"He had a father? There goes my Spore Theory!"


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## DarrellP (Apr 24, 2002)

> We have no idea what mauve is.


My GF & I were playing a game way back when and the purpose of the game was to figure out the word the other person had written down in the least amount of guesses. I had all the letters to "mauve" and could not figure it out. I even spelled it right and couldn't get it.


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Mauve does not exist. It is tired, faded purple. Neither does ecru, buff or eggshell. They are merely pigments of your imagination.

Some years ago I bought an 'ecru' dress shirt and coordinating tie. When I hung it in the closet next to my white shirts, it just looked yellowed and faded. I never wore it and finally gave it to charity along with a lot of other clothes. 

I long wondered if some homeless dude was walking around in my brand-new shirt garnering admiring looks from his peers. I should have sent the tie.


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Stosh said:


> ...A Philly cheese steak in Georgia?  ...


Yes, I often eat _ethnic_ food.


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

Nick said:


> Mauve does not exist. It is tired, faded purple. Neither does ecru, buff or eggshell. They are merely pigments of your imagination.
> 
> Some years ago I bought an 'ecru' dress shirt and coordinating tie. When I hung it in the closet next to my white shirts, it just looked yellowed and faded. I never wore it and finally gave it to charity along with a lot of other clothes.
> 
> I long wondered if some homeless dude was walking around in my brand-new shirt garnering admiring looks from his peers. I should have sent the tie.


You forgot about taupe...

I really knew I was gay when I discovered I could tell the difference between beige, ecru, buff, and taupe.


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## JohnMI (Apr 2, 2002)

It was just a joke...

And, yes, I know that my parents conceived me at some point -- but that doesn't mean that I want to see it! :eek2: 

- John...


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## HappyGoLucky (Jan 11, 2004)

jgoggan said:


> It was just a joke...
> 
> And, yes, I know that my parents conceived me at some point -- but that doesn't mean that I want to see it! :eek2:
> 
> - John...


I don't want to see mine or yours or anyone else's parents in that way! :eek2:


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## Bogy (Mar 23, 2002)

My kids (24, 20, 16) start screaming "Too much information" with their hands over their ears when their mother and I start talking about having sex.  :lol:


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## zman977 (Nov 9, 2003)

Bogy said:


> My kids (24, 20, 16) start screaming "Too much information" with their hands over their ears when their mother and I start talking about having sex.  :lol:


I remember when I was twelve, my mom told my sister and I that she was pregnant, I actually asked my mother, "you mean people your age still do that?" She was thirty four at the time, the same age I am now. 
I don't think anyone wants to think their parents have sex. Especially when you're a teen ager.


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## Bogy (Mar 23, 2002)

My kids know their mother and father have sex, they just don't want to know about it. Somehow if they don't "know" about it, they can imagine it doesn't happen. Personally, being the SOB that I am, I like to remind them of it as often as I can.  :lol:


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