# UPS



## citico

UPS Airlines


After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells the mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. 

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs 
replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick..
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. 
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.


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## 4HiMarks

citico said:


> UPS Airlines
> By the way, UPS is the only major *airline* that has never, ever, had an accident.


UPS is a package delivery service, not an airline. Perhaps that explains it.


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## intelisevil

4HiMarks said:


> UPS is a package delivery service, not an airline. Perhaps that explains it.


With a very large fleet of aircraft to move the packages around the world every day . . .


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## Greg Alsobrook

!rolling

That is really funny... And if it's true, it's hilarious...


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## Draconis

Read this one before, and it's still able to make me smile.


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## veryoldschool

I think these are as old as aircraft are.
Various "airlines" have been "claimed" to have this, but [for real] thirty years ago, they all came from the Air Force.
Ever heard of an airline with "Target radar" :nono:

"But" I was in debreifing for this one:
"P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

It was the navigator [since IFF was on his side of the cockpit] and when I asked him to re-read his write up, He realized his mistake and cleared the write up.
To be "fair" the IFF doesn't have an "on" position, "off", "stand-by", "transmit", and "Ident" [squawk] are the postions of the knob.


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## veryoldschool

Clearing write-ups are taken very seriously.
An F4 had a write-up about screeching in the interphone after engine start.
The ground crew wrote "removed bird from cockpit". This was reviewed before the aircraft took off and the ground crew was called to task, as the pilot had been a ["full bird"] colonel. As it turned out, the F4 had been in Florida with the canopy open on the ramp. A pigeon had decided to see what was in the cockpit and when the canopy closed with engines running, didn't like it anymore. :eek2:


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## Jason Nipp

This one is very old, I first heard it maybe 10 years ago. 

But it's still funny as hell.


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## veryoldschool

Jason Nipp said:


> This one is very old, I first heard it maybe 10 years ago.
> 
> But it's still funny as hell.


And I know them to be twenty years older than that, "and true".
There not any less funny, but "urban myths" attribute them to airlines, which isn't the source.


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## chainblu

I was a mechanic for a major airline in a previous life. I know it's just a joke, but I can tell you that any mechanic who wanted to keep his job wouldn't write something so flippant in any FAA document.

There was a Flight Attendent Log in every plane that (as far as I know) wasn't 'official'. It was just a way to pass on minor problems to Maintenance in when the plane was in for it's overnight check. It was usually stuff like lightbulbs out or a cabinet door that wouldn't shut right... nothing major enough to warrant an entry into the 'real' log book.

One night, one of my fellow mechanics was reading some of the write-ups and saw where one of the F/A's mentioned that the drink cart's brake would stick in the "on" position. Of course she meant "off", but might have been confused or too rushed to fully explain.

Anyway, this guy couldn't resist himself and wrote something to the effect of: "Cart brakes are supposed to stick when on. Sounds like a Flight Attendent problem". Again, I dont know if that's exactly what he wrote, but that was the gest of it.

A few days went by, then one night this guy was called into the manager's office and got his butt chewed. Then the manager called everyone together and told us, "Don't do that"! He had the same look on his face as he was saying that as the Commander in Top Gun when he was telling Tom Cruise he was going to Top Gun school.

Apparently, the Flight Attendents didn't find it as amusing and complained to their superiors. By the time it trickled back down to our Base, there were some pretty red faces. I can only wonder what would happen if that had been a 'real' aircraft log book.


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## veryoldschool

There is only one log with military aircraft.
Those that read them have zero humor.
Each of the items in "this joke" were "paid for" with an a$$ chewing that nobody would want to go through [again].
The "IFF", I know was true, as it happened to me, but managed to get the aircrew to clear it. 
BTW: this could only have happened with a navigator, since a pilot NEVER makes a mistake [if you doubt it, just try to correct one, and you see "Top Gun" is nothing]


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## dave29

thats a good one, first time i've heard it.


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## curt8403

it used to be a joke to send the newbie mechanic for either a can of compression or a bucket of prop wash. sad thing is that a friend of mine was send to get a can of compression, went all over town, and then found a product that came in a can called compression. it was expensive and the shop had to pay for it. 

same shop sent someone for a bucket of prop wash. a rival shop gave him a bucket of motor oil, told him it was prop wash, and that he should stand about 15 feet in front of the prop and throw it. He did.


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## davring

curt8403 said:


> a rival shop gave him a bucket of motor oil, told him it was prop wash, and that he should stand about 15 feet in front of the prop and throw it. He did.


That must have been spectacular


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## veryoldschool

If we're going down this road:
Then there were the "jeeps", who were taking a shortcut across the ramp, with a handful of florescent tubes and "someone" decided to "light them up" with the attack radar.
Should have heard the stories about "those tubes" lighting up without being plugged in. :lol:
[Flightline super: !!!!Warren!!!!, you know anything about those lights?]


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## puckwithahalo

We used to send new hires to refill the water fountain at the movie theatre I worked at. :-D


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## coldsteel

Ah, yes. Newbie pranks.

Chem-light batteries.
Can of squelch.
Box of grid squares.
See the First Sergeant for a PRC-E8 (sound it out...).


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## puckwithahalo

I like the ID-10-T form ID10T


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## Richard King

Go get the cable stretcher.


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## txtommy

This list makes the email rounds every few years along with 1001 other urban myths. Before forwarding any emails, it's best to check the source. This one has been attributed to many different airlines and military sources. In reality it is likely a compilation of stories from many sources. I worked on ships for years and every transfer brought about a repeat of old stories that someone claimed to have first hand knowledge of the original source. As time goes by more and more people were there even though the 'there' kept changing. The stories become most fascinating when you hear a story about yourself but attributed to a different place, time and people. As always the embellished story is better than you remember it. The stories are always interesting even though the details may be a bit blurry and they are always believable.

By the way, most of the urban legends that appear in forwarded emails can be checked out at snopes.com

This one is at: http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp


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## veryoldschool

You make it sound like I need to give the person and Air Base they were stationed at for each.
#3 engine missing:
Looked under right wing.. found engine.
C-130, stationed in Germany. 
[BTW: Turbo Props can't "miss", they're a jet]

IFF inop in off mode:
FB-111A, stationed in New Hampshire


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## txtommy

veryoldschool said:


> You make it sound like I need to give the person and Air Base they were stationed at for each.


Sorry if you thought I was questioning your authenticity, didn't mean that. I was commenting more on the original list that was attributed to workers at UPS. The last email I received gave credit to people at Quantas and there have been several others. More likely the list is from many sources and many people. Over my many years on ships I've heard the same stories told by many people. Each one I can attribute to what I believe to be the original source but in reality most were probably just someone repeating a line he heard in a similar previous situation.

I've actually heard a number of the above quotes that used almost identical language but applied to ships.


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## EXTACAMO

curt8403 said:


> it used to be a joke to send the newbie mechanic for either a can of compression or a bucket of prop wash. sad thing is that a friend of mine was send to get a can of compression, went all over town, and then found a product that came in a can called compression. it was expensive and the shop had to pay for it.
> 
> same shop sent someone for a bucket of prop wash. a rival shop gave him a bucket of motor oil, told him it was prop wash, and that he should stand about 15 feet in front of the prop and throw it. He did.


Yea, another good one is "hey kid, go find me a tube of relative bearing grease."


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## veryoldschool

txtommy said:


> Sorry if you thought I was questioning your authenticity, didn't mean that. I was commenting more on the original list that was attributed to workers at UPS. The last email I received gave credit to people at Quantas and there have been several others. More likely the list is from many sources and many people. Over my many years on ships I've heard the same stories told by many people. Each one I can attribute to what I believe to be the original source but in reality most were probably just someone repeating a line he heard in a similar previous situation.
> 
> I've actually heard a number of the above quotes that used almost identical language but applied to ships.


 "No sweat", as I'd posted earlier, "pick an airline" and this has been passed off as theirs.
"The fact" that I do have first hand knowledge of a few and the time/place of them, is to just point out some are known to be true, Military related, and from thirty years ago [long before the internet & email].
There are way too many "urban myths" that never happened [love Mythbusters], but this does have a truthful origin.


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## dave29

Richard King said:


> Go get the cable stretcher.


or in the construction business...

-"go get the board stretcher"
-when you need to toe-nail something.... "go get a box of toe nails"

there are a few more, but not appropriate


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