# Jokes about Tiger Woods



## BubblePuppy

Latest news headline: "Tiger Woods arrested for operating a motor vehicle under the influence of golf ball cleaner"
Quote Tiger Woods: " I didn't know huffing golf ball cleaner would impair my driving."


----------



## hdtvfan0001

Surprised it took this long to start the "fun".


----------



## BubblePuppy

hdtvfan0001 said:


> Surprised it took this long to start the "fun".


It' because Tiger Woods fans are tee'd off.

That's one golf club I'm not a member of.
:grin:


----------



## hdtvfan0001

BubblePuppy said:


> It' because Tiger Woods fans are tee'd off.
> 
> That's one golf club I'm not a member of.
> :grin:


...and some of these same folks will apparently never FOREgive or FOREGET this incident.


----------



## Nick

I've never understood why some find pleasure in other peoples' misfortune. The pain of having Tiger Wood's Escalade glass smashed by his beautiful wife, Ellie Nordegren, wielding his very own seven iron is the recipe for a very bad day, or night, as the case may be.

As the full truth finally emerges, Tiger's pristine public persona will probably pale in part as endorsement deals are reevaluated and he likely suffers the loss of a lesser sponsor or two. That could well wind Wood's worth down to just under $1,000,000,000, but still enough to wipe the smile off a titleist. Not to mention the disastrous effect a divorce would have on Tiger's bottom line. After her shyster shark of a lawyer gets through with him, conceivably, he could be reduced to living it up in the caddy shack and driving a golf cart.

Thankfully, to protect my own assets, I have long maintained a personal policy against marrying tall, skinny, stunningly beautiful, high-maintenance, blonde model types, no matter how much I fantasize about how _great_ the sex would be.


----------



## Stuart Sweet

I'm not quite clear how someone else's misfortune is funny, but I'll leave this thread open for now so you all can prove to me that you can handle this subject with some maturity.


----------



## BubblePuppy

When Tiger Woods wife, Elin Nordegren, was asked what Tiger was doing out so late at night she replied "He just likes to putter around in the garage."


----------



## steve053

Q: What's the difference between a Titleist and an Escalade?

A: Tiger can drive a titleist 300 yards. :eek2:


----------



## Herdfan

Nick said:


> Not to mention the disastrous effect a divorce would have on Tiger's bottom line. After her shyster shark of a lawyer gets through with him, conceivably, he could be reduced to living it up in the caddy shack and driving a golf cart.


I would guess that he has a rock solid prenup.


----------



## BubblePuppy

Herdfan said:


> I would guess that he has a rock solid prenup.


I'm sure he has it in the *bag*. But he will *iron* out their differences.


----------



## Deputy Fife

steve053 said:


> Q: What's the difference between a Titleist and an Escalade?
> 
> A: Tiger can drive a titleist 300 yards. :eek2:


At least this one is clever.

Regardless of what one thinks about finding humor in other people's misfortune, the original post is not humorous, nor clever, IMO.


----------



## RDH416

steve053 said:


> Q: What's the difference between a Titleist and an Escalade?
> 
> A: Tiger can drive a titleist 300 yards. :eek2:


Actually, Tiger can't drive a Titleist at all, unless it has a Nike Swoosh on it.


----------



## ibglowin

Herdfan said:


> I would guess that he has a rock solid prenup.


"Now, is it my understanding that the Massey prenup has never been penetrated?" :lol:


----------



## Herdfan

I heard his marketing folks are looking at a new nickname. Right now it is between a Cheetah or a Lion. :lol:


----------



## braven

Q: What does a baby seal and Tiger Woods have in common?

A: They both get clubbed by Norwegians.


I'm sorry.


----------



## ibglowin

:lol: 

Thats actually pretty funny!


----------



## Nick

Tiger's not out of the woods yet -- he's not used to playing in the rough.


----------



## armophob

Local charity has this on their page.

http://www.wzzr.com/pages/the_lovedocs.html


----------



## photostudent

I heard Tiger will give up golf and enter politics. He plans to run for Governor of South Carolina.


----------



## smiddy

Stuart Sweet said:


> I'm not quite clear how someone else's misfortune is funny, but I'll leave this thread open for now so you all can prove to me that you can handle this subject with some maturity.


I have never known maturity and comedy to be within the same realm, this is after all the Laughter Is The Best Medicine forum, and capitalizing on Woods' misfortune is within at least the forum's realm. Maturity, not so much.


----------



## jerry downing

I heard that he's trading in the name "Tiger" for "Cheetah".


----------



## smiddy

I saw a few at work I'll have to type in later today.


----------



## Nick

Looks like someone has a Tiger by the tail! 

Tiger got caught chasing his tail.


----------



## armophob

"Fore, honey, fore" "I said Fore!!"


----------



## smiddy

The reason he hit a fire hydrant and a tree is he had a hard time deciding between an iron or a wood.


----------



## d0m4in

These are great.


----------



## dreadlk

d0m4in said:


> These are great.


They are :nono2::nono2::nono2::nono2::nono2::nono2:


----------



## hdtvfan0001

Sad situation...guess I don't share the same definition for "humor".


----------



## smiddy

hdtvfan0001 said:


> Sad situation...guess I don't share the same definition for "humor".


Are you offended?


----------



## rudeney

I can understand someone being offended by jokes at the expense of a normal, average citizen, even one who has done something wrong. But in the case of celebrities or politicians, I believe there is a different standard. 

I believe sports celebrities are in an especially different class in this respect. Their ridiculously large paychecks are funded by us as consumers when we spend out hard earned wages to buy life's necessities. A large percentage of the revenue from our retail purchases goes toward advertising, and much of that money ends up in the world of sports. 

Keep in mind that these sports figures don't actually do anything constructive in their "jobs". They simply entertain observers by playing games. Few of them qualify as role models, and many of them lead very dangerous lifestyles fueled by the quick cash and the power of celebrity.

I'm not saying that because of their celebrity status that these people deserve to be made fun of, just that I find it much less offensive to do so than I would if these were "real" people.


----------



## jodyguercio

rudeney said:


> I can understand someone being offended by jokes at the expense of a normal, average citizen, even one who has done something wrong. But in the case of celebrities or politicians, I believe there is a different standard.
> 
> I believe sports celebrities are in an especially different class in this respect. Their ridiculously large paychecks are funded by us as consumers when we spend out hard earned wages to buy life's necessities. A large percentage of the revenue from our retail purchases goes toward advertising, and much of that money ends up in the world of sports.
> 
> Keep in mind that these sports figures don't actually do anything constructive in their "jobs". They simply entertain observers by playing games. Few of them qualify as role models, and many of them lead very dangerous lifestyles fueled by the quick cash and the power of celebrity.
> 
> I'm not saying that because of their celebrity status that these people deserve to be made fun of, just that I find it much less offensive to do so than I would if these were "real" people.


But really why are athletes and performers considered celebrities to begin with? They are both just doing a "job" that they are more qualified than you or I to do. Do you think any of them could come to your place of employment and do your job? They couldn't do that with mine. Do you and I get dragged over the coals when we make a normal mistake? No we don't , why should they? Private lives should stay private, "famous" or not.


----------



## armophob

Have you heard the one about a tiger that walks into a club?


----------



## Ira Lacher

jodyguercio said:


> Do you and I get dragged over the coals when we make a normal mistake? No we don't , why should they? Private lives should stay private, "famous" or not.


Seems though that they have agreed to pay the price for their idol-worship, unbelievably lavish lifestyles and beyond-belief wealth -- surrendering any claim to privacy.


----------



## BubblePuppy

armophob said:


> Have you heard the one about a tiger that walks into a club?


No..oh..DOH!


----------



## rudeney

jodyguercio said:


> But really why are athletes and performers considered celebrities to begin with? They are both just doing a "job" that they are more qualified than you or I to do. Do you think any of them could come to your place of employment and do your job? They couldn't do that with mine. Do you and I get dragged over the coals when we make a normal mistake? No we don't , why should they? Private lives should stay private, "famous" or not.


The difference is that my salary is not funded by everyone why buys a product or service in the USA. Sports celebrity salaries are in effect funded by a hidden tax on the consuming public. Nearly every product or service we buy has some portion of the revenue earmarked for marketing that ends up in sports sponsorships.


----------



## dpfaunts

Another way to look at this is the joke is not about tiger, just the situation. It happens with many celebrities. Think about Leno poking fun at Letterman's recent problems. It just an easy opportunity to make someone laugh, smile or chuckle at an otherwise unfortunate event.


----------



## BubblePuppy

jodyguercio said:


> *But really why are athletes and performers considered celebrities to begin with?* They are both just doing a "job" that they are more qualified than you or I to do. Do you think any of them could come to your place of employment and do your job? They couldn't do that with mine. Do you and I get dragged over the coals when we make a normal mistake? No we don't , why should they? Private lives should stay private, "famous" or not.


Because we, the media, and their lifestyles make them celebrities, without that they would just be working stiffs. We are responsible. Sad, isn't it.:nono2:


----------



## SayWhat?

There seems to be a new definition of the term '9 hole course'.


----------



## jdh8668

Just heard that Tiger Wood's wife Elin has come out with her own version of a driver. They're called the "Oh no you didn't" woods designed for professional golfer's wives whose husbands play more than 18.


----------



## Herdfan

rudeney said:


> The difference is that my salary is not funded by everyone why buys a product or service in the USA. Sports celebrity salaries are in effect funded by a hidden tax on the consuming public. Nearly every product or service we buy has some portion of the revenue earmarked for marketing that ends up in sports sponsorships.


That is why I try to not buy anything from a sponsor of Jeff Gordon or Jimmie Johnson.:eek2:


----------



## jodyguercio

BubblePuppy said:


> Because we, the media, and their lifestyles make them celebrities, without that they would just be working stiffs. We are responsible. Sad, isn't it.:nono2:


Very sad indeed. I guess I'm not one who gets all gaga over supposed celebrities.


----------



## sigma1914

The Jaguars NFL game poked fun...:lol:


----------



## smiddy

!rolling WOW!


----------



## DCSholtis

I'm wondering now that Tiger has played the front 9, if he had any calls from Gary McCord regarding bikini waxed greens.........


----------



## braven

Friendly reminder. This is a JOKE thread. Not an opinion thread.

Keep them jokes coming!!


----------



## SayWhat?

braven said:


> Keep them jokes coming!!


Maybe hold off for a while. Fire/Rescue just hauled an adult female out of the house on 'advanced life support'.


----------



## BubblePuppy

braven said:


> Friendly reminder. This is a JOKE thread. * Not an opinion thread.*
> 
> Keep them jokes coming!!


As the *OTS *I do not have a problem with opinions posted on this thread...as long as the posts are not a personal attacks on posters. 
Personal observations are welcome.  Keep them coming.


----------



## braven

Nike is coming out with a new line of clubs named after Tiger's wife... "Elinwoods".

The only clubs guaranteed to beat tiger.


----------



## BubblePuppy

Tiger's publicist wants Tiger to change his name to "Tiger Woodn't".


----------



## Joe Bernardi

Tiger Woods and Tiger dids.


----------



## BubblePuppy

Tiger Shouldn't


----------



## braven

What were Tiger Woods and Elin doing out at 2:30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.


----------



## BubblePuppy

braven said:


> What were Tiger Woods and Elin doing out at 2:30 in the morning?
> They went clubbing.


She was clubbing. Tiger was driving.


----------



## Richard King

Got to have a designated driver when you are out clubbing late at night.


----------



## Nick

...or when you're (not your) _being_ clubbed at night!


----------



## Button Pusher

Note to Tiger: "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear!"


----------



## Nick

Than.

Read your mirror carefully.

"Objects in mirror are closer than they appear"


----------



## Button Pusher

Thanks, fixed it! I actually had that in there first but the wife has been correcting me lately on my over use of "THAN"(she is a teacher). I didn't think that was a comparison so I changed it.lol


----------



## dreadlk

Ira Lacher said:


> Seems though that they have agreed to pay the price for their idol-worship, unbelievably lavish lifestyles and beyond-belief wealth -- surrendering any claim to privacy.


Heres my take on this.
If your like a Paris Hilton or even Angelina Jollie and use the press when it suits you then Yes you are fair game to be attacked. If your a Tiger woods or Val Kilmner or any of the dozens that avoid the media at all costs even if it is for there own personal benefit then you deserve to be treated like any normal human being, you deserve privacy.


----------



## BubblePuppy

dreadlk said:


> Heres my take on this.
> If your like a Paris Hilton or even Angelina Jollie and use the press when it suits you then Yes you are fair game to be attacked. If your a Tiger woods or Val Kilmner or any of the dozens that avoid the media at all costs even if it is for there own personal benefit then you deserve to be treated like any normal human being, you deserve privacy.


Unfortunately the average person doesn't make over $90 million dollars a year just in endorsements...not very private having ones' name on hundreds of products all over the world, and appearing in commercials pushing those products.:nono2:


----------



## cdizzy

This is a must see. Audio is a must. Great stuff.

http://www.break.com/index/leaked-tiger-woods-mistress-sex-tape.html


----------



## armophob

Tiger voted by PGA as most valuable _playa_.

Fed is asking PGA to give Tiger the next title because he is too big to fail.


----------



## ibglowin

To that I say "don't do the crime if you can't pay the fine". Especially if your a politician or a celebrity.



dreadlk said:


> Heres my take on this.
> If your like a Paris Hilton or even Angelina Jollie and use the press when it suits you then Yes you are fair game to be attacked. If your a Tiger woods or Val Kilmner or any of the dozens that avoid the media at all costs even if it is for there own personal benefit then you deserve to be treated like any normal human being, you deserve privacy.


----------



## ibglowin

Dave actually had some fun poking fun back at himself! :lol:

10. Crash a state dinner at the White House.
9. Change name from 'Tiger' to more adorable 'Puppy.'
8. Fix the whole health care mess.
7. Put on a scarf and a hat and sing Christmas carols with Regis.
6. Instead of sweatshops in Asia, have Nike merchandise made in a sweatshop right here in the U.S.A.
5. Retire, then come back and play for the Vikings.
4. Safely land Golf cart in the Hudson river.
3. Release list of women he did not have sex with.
2. Find Osama Bin Laden.
1. Blame Letterman.


----------



## BubblePuppy

cdizzy said:


> This is a must see. Audio is a must. Great stuff.
> 
> http://www.break.com/index/leaked-tiger-woods-mistress-sex-tape.html


!rolling
Elin Nordegren,-----> :beatdeadhorse: <---Tiger Woods
+
(and many other females)


----------



## smiddy

cdizzy said:


> This is a must see. Audio is a must. Great stuff.
> 
> http://www.break.com/index/leaked-tiger-woods-mistress-sex-tape.html


Awesome! !rolling


----------



## BubblePuppy

Heck, depending on how much these women, who claim to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, make off of those claims, I just might make up a claim that I had an affair with him also....and I'm a male. That should bring in the big bucks.:hurah::lol:


----------



## Nick

Yes, but you're married, or so I hear.


----------



## BubblePuppy

Nick said:


> Yes, but you're married, or so I hear.


Yep, for two months. But how much more $$$$$ would TW pay if it came out he had an affair with a married man. 
I better stop this line or the rumor mill will run rampant.:lol::lol:


----------



## dreadlk

BubblePuppy said:


> Heck, depending on how much these women, who claim to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, make off of those claims, I just might make up a claim that I had an affair with him also....and I'm a male. That should bring in the big bucks.:hurah::lol:


For the women that have gone public the only money they can make is writing a book or going on Talk shows.

The women who will make money form Tiger are the ones that have been silent but
at this point another 6 or 7 coming forward is not going to really change his situation, he's already DOA with the wife.


----------



## BubblePuppy

dreadlk said:


> *For the women that have gone public the only money they can make is writing a book or going on Talk shows.*
> 
> The women who will make money form Tiger are the ones that have been silent but
> at this point another 6 or 7 coming forward is not going to really change his situation, he's already DOA with the wife.


Ah kinda my point of the joke. Big bucks in that.


----------



## dmspen

From Jay Leno...
What's the differnce between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after 3 HOs.


----------



## Herdfan

*Al Sharpton Blasts Tiger Woods for Lack of Mistress Diversity*

The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods' harem will have a negative affect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

"Why is it that a man who calls himself black can't bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?" said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem. "What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?"

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today's black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, "I'm not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I'm just asking you to give back to your own community."


----------



## Nick

dreadlk said:


> For the women that have gone public the only money they can make is writing a book or going on Talk shows...


Then there's that other way, the way some women have made money since time immemorial.

What's that? :scratch:

Oh! You mean that's what those women who were involved with Tiger have been doing all along? :scratchin

Never mind! :whatdidid


----------



## Chris Blount

Just for you guys.


----------



## redsoxfan26

Chris Blount said:


> Just for you guys.


That is hilarious!!:lol:

And quite challenging when his speed picks up.


----------



## cdizzy

Just got this in my email a few days ago. I think the whole Tiger thing is getting old but I thought this was funny.

http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_woods_defense/?xrs=eml_121709


----------



## hdtvfan0001

She sure can run fast...that little bugger....:lol:


----------



## Herdfan

How about these? Golf balls with the names and pictures of his mistresses.

http://tailofthetiger.com/order_tail_of_the_tiger_golf_balls.php


----------



## scroll

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright
Why Always In The Night


----------

