# Elephants and ducks.



## jkane (Oct 12, 2007)

Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks.


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

jkane said:


> Why do elephants have flat feet?
> From stamping out flaming ducks.


and before that..........

Why do Ducks have flat Feet

From Stamping out Forest (Or Range) Fires.


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

jkane said:


> Why do elephants have flat feet?
> From stamping out flaming ducks.


What is the brown stuff between Elephants toes??

Slow moving Natives.


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## tcusta00 (Dec 31, 2007)

And to think, this all started with a quack.


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## dbconsultant (Sep 13, 2005)

How do you know an elephant has been in the refrigerator?

From the footprint in the cottage cheese!


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

dbconsultant said:


> How do you know an elephant has been in the refrigerator?
> 
> From the footprint in the cottage cheese!


why do Elephants paint their toenails red?

To Hide in Cherry Trees


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## dbconsultant (Sep 13, 2005)

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.


Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard? 
A: No, of course not, they're wearing shoes with yellow soles!


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## tcusta00 (Dec 31, 2007)

You two are a match made in heaven. curt8403, have you met dbconsultant? dbconsultant, have you met curt8403? :lol:


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## dbconsultant (Sep 13, 2005)

tcusta00 said:


> You two are a match made in heaven. curt8403, have you met dbconsultant? dbconsultant, have you met curt8403? :lol:


Well, my husband says I quack him up all the time! Since curt8403 started the QUACK stuff, I've had a chance to bring out all the old material! And it looks like I'm not the only one!


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## tcusta00 (Dec 31, 2007)

dbconsultant said:


> Well, my husband says I quack him up all the time! Since curt8403 started the QUACK stuff, I've had a chance to bring out all the old material! And it looks like I'm not the only one!


Whoops, nevermind curt, she's already quacked for.


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## bakers12 (May 29, 2007)

*tcust00*, new avatar, eh? No Duck Soup for you!


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

bakers12 said:


> *tcust00*, new avatar, eh? No Duck Soup for you!


what we really need is to be taught by the master of Quackfoo


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## tcusta00 (Dec 31, 2007)

bakers12 said:


> *tcust00*, new avatar, eh? No Duck Soup for you!


6 more days of this abomination.


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

tcusta00 said:


> 6 more days of this abomination.


How do you make an Elephant Float?

A gallon of rootbeer and 3 scoops of elephant in a large glass.


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## Argee (Oct 16, 2006)

How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a deep hole and fill it with ashes.

You surround the hole with peas.

When the elephant bends over to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.


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## jkane (Oct 12, 2007)

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. 

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" 

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."


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## jkane (Oct 12, 2007)

The rest of the Q&A. I think I removed the ones not appropriate for a public forum. If I missed some, sorry!
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Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow? 
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! 

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

- similar joke -

Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,.....

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!

Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!

Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.


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## Richard King (Mar 25, 2002)

> Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
> A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.


6. You forgot the one in the *trunk*.


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

Richard King said:


> 6. You forgot the one in the *trunk*.


why is an elephant always ready to go on vacation?

Because he packs his trunk with him everywhere he goes.


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## dbconsultant (Sep 13, 2005)

tcusta00 said:


> Whoops, nevermind curt, she's already quacked for.


And we're like swans cuz we're mated for life!:lol:

jkane took the rest of the elephant jokes!


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## dbconsultant (Sep 13, 2005)

How do you stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle?

Tie a knot in its tail.

jkane, you missed one!


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
(Though all of them were blind),
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.

The _First_ approach'd the Elephant,
And happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
"God bless me! but the Elephant
Is very like a wall!"

The _Second_, feeling of the tusk,
Cried, -"Ho! what have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me 'tis mighty clear
This wonder of an Elephant
Is very like a spear!"

The _Third_ approached the animal,
And happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands,
Thus boldly up and spake:
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a snake!"

The _Fourth_ reached out his eager hand,
And felt about the knee.
"What most this wondrous beast is like
Is mighty plain," quoth he,
"'Tis clear enough the Elephant 
Is very like a tree!"

The _Fifth_, who chanced to touch the ear,
Said: "E'en the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most;
Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an Elephant
Is very like a fan!"

The _Sixth_ no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope,
Then, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope,
"I see," quoth he, "the Elephant
Is very like a rope!"

And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong!

MORAL. 
So oft in theologic wars, 
The disputants, I ween, 
Rail on in utter ignorance 
Of what each other mean, 
_And prate about an Elephant_ 
_Not one of them has seen_


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## dbconsultant (Sep 13, 2005)

A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill." 

If we don't include some more duck jokes, we'll have de pressed ducks!


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## dbconsultant (Sep 13, 2005)

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lays her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listens to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shakes his head sadly and says, "I'm so sorry , Plucky has passed away." The distressed owner wails, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replies. "How can you be so sure," she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him, or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolls his eyes, turns around and leaves the room, and returns a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looks on in amazement, the dog stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws up on the examination table and carefully sniffs the duck. He then sits, looks up at the vet with sad eyes, and shakes his head. The vet pats the dog and takes it out, and returns a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumps up on the table and delicately sniffs the bird from bill, to webbed feet. The cat then sits back on its haunches, shakes its head, meows softly and leaves the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiably, dead duck." Then the vet turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill which he hands to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "$5000!", she cries, "$5000 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugs. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the Lab Report, and the Cat Scan......"


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## Pink Fairy (Dec 28, 2006)

Wow.

The whole duck thing...slightly disturbing. Really.


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## curt8403 (Dec 27, 2007)

*Once there was an Elephant,*
*who tried to use the Telephant.*
*No, NO, I mean a Elephone,*
*Who Tried to Use The Telephone.*

*Dear me, I am not certain Quite*
*That Even now I've got it right.*

*Howere it was he got his trunk*
*Entangled in the Telephunk.*
*The More he tried to get it free*
*The louder buzzed the telefee*

*I fear I'd better drop the song*
*of Elephop and Telephong.*

(Walt Disney)


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## Richard King (Mar 25, 2002)

A two page joke.... 
quack.


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