# Limericks for the John (PG rated)



## JM Anthony

Got any "interesting" limericks worth sharing?? Here's an oldie to get things going.


An oversexed robot named Hank
Fell in love with a 20 ton tank
His ardor was futile
The results were quite brutal
For his nuts hit the floor with a clank


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## DarrellP

Here I sit broken hearted, came to sh*t and only farted.


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## Guest

in derbytown in derbytown
the streets are made of glass
and when you walk upon them
you fall upon your ass
but if you think i'm kidding
or if you think i lie
why don't you go to ferbytown and see the same as i

In derbytown in derbytown 2 men were digging a ditch
1 was a son of a millionaire
the other a son of a b---h
but if you think i'm kidding 
or if you think i lie
why don't you go to derbytown and see the same as i


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## merick

Here I sit, taking sh*t, toilet paper not a bit. 
Boss is calling, cannot linger, lookout a**hole, here comes my finger.


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## DarrellP

merick said:


> Here I sit, taking sh*t, toilet paper not a bit.
> Boss is calling, cannot linger, lookout a**hole, here comes my finger.


This reminds me of my Army days: Our C-Rats came with a very small ration of TP and the Drill Sergeant explained how to use such a small amount: Take 1 square, poke your finger through it, wipe your ass then pull your finger through the paper, wiping off the excrement.  :rotfl: !pu****!


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## JM Anthony

DarrellP said:


> This reminds me of my Army days: Our C-Rats came with a very small ration of TP and the Drill Sergeant explained how to use such a small amount: Take 1 square, poke your finger through it, wipe your ass then pull your finger through the paper, wiping off the excrement.  :rotfl: !pu****!


Ahhhh! Another example of government waste.


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## rjenkins

I believe it goes:

Here I sit, broken hearted. Paid a dime, but only farted.
That's okay, yesterday I took a chance and accidently sh*t my pants.


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## Nick

From some of the departures from Limeracy posted above, it is apparent that not everyone is familiar with the unique characteristics of the Limerick.

The Limerick is a style of poetry that is a fixed poetic form and is native to the English language.* Limericks, which date from the 1700s, traditionally have five lines in spondaic hexameter, of which the first two and the last rhyme, and the third and forth lines rhyme.

"Hickory Dickory Dock..." (remember?) was a Limerick, and one of the few suitable for recitation in a nursery. Most classic limericks are erotic in content and crude in their recitation. It has been said that the best Limerick is one which is entirely unsuitable for publication. I shall recite a few which, while questionable, are more or less suitable for _this_ nursery.

The Limerick form is complex
Its contents run mainly to sex
It burgeons with virgeons
And masculine urgeons
And swarms with erotic effects

There once was a man from Kent
whose tool was horribly bent
so to save himself trouble
he put it in double
instead of coming, he went.

A pansy who lived in Khartoom
Took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There was a young lady named Prentice
Who had an affair with her dentist
To make things easier
He used anesthesia,
As he diddled her _non compos mentis_.

*Adapted from _"The Limerick"_ - edited by G. Legman


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## JM Anthony

My hat goes off to you, Nick. Once again, a post of supreme form. Educational as well as entertaining.


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## merick

Then there is the one about the man from Nantucket...

Sorry - not quite clean enough for here.


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## Paladin

_From "The Leftwing Media Commenting RNC"_



Bogy said:


> Paladin, for the record I directed my complaint to you "personally." This is for the most part a family friendly site. If you want to see the less sensitive side of the site you have to shell out the bucks to join the Gold Forum. And if you don't like the sensibilities of those who come here all you have to do is leave.


Where is the admin on this thead, would you want your "family" to read the above posts. I made a sex joke, you guys made sex jokes. None but mine was censored. Get to work admin!


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## Nick

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose foot got stuck in a bucket
As he stumbled and fell
Into a deep well
He was heard to exclaim, _"Aw, f**k it!"_


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## Bogy

Nick said:


> From some of the departures from Limeracy posted above, it is apparent that not everyone is familiar with the unique characteristics of the Limerick.


Nice educational post. Limericks are really not my thing, so I have not contributed, but a number of those posted seemed more in line with the classic "Burma Shave" jingles than limericks.


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## Bogy

Paladin said:


> Where is the admin on this thead, would you want your "family" to read the above posts. I made a sex joke, you guys made sex jokes. None but mine was censored. Get to work admin!


Whine, whine, whine. Get over it. Your comment was not a joke. Show some maturity.


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## Paladin

Bogy said:


> Whine, whine, whine. Get over it. Your comment was not a joke. Show some maturity.


Why don't you just go off to the nursing home, old man.


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## Bogy

Paladin said:


> Why don't you just go off to the nursing home, old man.


THAT'S mature.


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## Paladin

Bogy said:


> THAT'S mature.


Nope. I'm determined not to rise to your level. Didn't you go to school with Strom Thrumand? :lol:


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## Bogy

Paladin said:


> Nope. I'm determined not to rise to your level. Didn't you go to school with Strom Thrumand? :lol:


So instead of rising to my level you insist on remaining down there in the gutter with the rest of the right wingers and make attacks like your reference to Strom Thurman?  :grin: :sure: :lol:


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## Paladin

Bogy said:


> So instead of rising to my level you insist on remaining down there in the gutter with the rest of the right wingers and make attacks like your reference to Strom Thurman?  :grin: :sure: :lol:


Figured that out didya? I shouldn't be grouped with right wingers anymore than you should be grouped with Christians. :lol:

Actually, I'm enjoying this, old man. I think I'll keep it up, I bet you wish you could, oh well there are little blue pills for that. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here is a limerick for ya:

There once was a man named Bogy,
whose religion was really quite phony,
he commented all day,
to protect the gay,
'cause it really gives him a boney!

Oh well, I'm no poet, but who is. :lol:


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## Nick

:listenup: All right, you two, let's calm down a little, now. 
It's almost time for your naps. Stay on your own mats 
and keep your hands to yourself.

_-- Mod_ :smaileinh <--mod hat


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## Bogy

Nick said:


> All right, you two, let's calm down a little, now. It's almost time for your nap.
> 
> _-- Mod_


Nick, when did you get promoted to moderator. Is this permanent, or just until Richard finds his house again? Oh good, its time for my nap? I HAVE been up for about 2 hours now.


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## JM Anthony

Paladin said:


> Figured that out didya? I shouldn't be grouped with right wingers anymore than you should be grouped with Christians. :lol:
> 
> Actually, I'm enjoying this, old man. I think I'll keep it up, I bet you wish you could, oh well there are little blue pills for that. :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> Here is a limerick for ya:
> 
> . . .


Paladin - you're one sick dude. Get your head out of your ass, take a long walk around the block, and try to clear your head.


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## olgeezer

From Bennett Cerf "The Purple Cow"


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## Selenna

I'm no poet so I had to borrow one... (from the book adaptation of the movie _Swashbuckler_)

There was a young virgin from Malta
Who swooned on the boat to Gibraltar
Though she lost her virginity
In that vicinity
She still ended up at the altar


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## MikeSoltis

JM Anthony said:


> Ahhhh! Another example of government waste.


Ah, a pun!


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## SimpleSimon

MikeSoltis said:


> JM Anthony said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ahhhh! Another example of government waste.
> 
> 
> 
> Ah, a pun!
Click to expand...

Actually it sounds like a redundancy to me.


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## MikeSoltis

pun: the usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound.

waste as in to squander (i.e., what a waste) vs. waste as in useless byproduct or excrement (i.e. excrement).
  I'm just funnin' you Simon


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## Nick

Two young men saw a girl who, while pretty in the face, was very large. 
One said with a frown _"What a waste."_
The other said, with a smile, _"What a waist!"_

:backtotop

A youth had a girlfriend quite fat
Who's crotch disappeared when she sat
He rolled her in flour
For over an hour
Until he could find where it's at


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## MikeSoltis

> ..."What a waist!"


 :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## SimpleSimon

MikeSoltis said:


> pun: the usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound.
> 
> waste as in to squander (i.e., what a waste) vs. waste as in useless byproduct or excrement (i.e. excrement).
> I'm just funnin' you Simon


Right-O - but did you get my joke? government=waste?


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## MikeSoltis

> government=waste


D'oh!! :slowgrin:


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## Nick

SimpleSimon said:


> Right-O - but did you get my joke? government=waste?


You want everyone to fawn over you for making dumbass lame joke, "government=waste"? How lame is that?

What about my ingenious joke about waste & waist? And how about that original Limerick? You think this stuff is easy to come up with? You don't think that's funnier than your lame-o gov=waste joke?

This thread isn't just about you, you know. The rest of us can be funny sometimes. Hear, watch closely as we recapture the classic frivolity of the past:

_Two young men saw a girl who, while pretty in the face, was very large.
One said with a frown "What a waste."
The other said, with a smile, "What a waist!"

A youth had a girlfriend quite fat
Who's crotch disappeared when she sat
He rolled her in flour
For over an hour
Until he could find where it's at_

This imitation classic blast isn't as hilarious as the original, of course, but then reruns never are. Now, back to your regularly scheduled thread.


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## SimpleSimon

Hell - I'm almost never funny - that's why I try so hard. 

But I must bow to the master. :gott: :wave:


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## mainedish

There once was a man who ran Dish. 
Buying Directv was his wish.
He screwed it up bad.
Like the dishplayer I had.
And Murdoch went home with a swish.


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## MikeSoltis

While I was reading Nick's comments above, a divine light shone down on me from above...no wait that's just the sun shining through the skylight.


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