# Preparing for the next one...



## Richard King (Mar 25, 2002)

Hurricane Season 
Since we are in the peak of the hurricane season, and since we have all just had the poop scared out of us, I offer the following:

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points: 

(1) There is no need to panic. 
(2) We could all be killed. 

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: 

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. 
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car. 
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. 

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. 

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: 

If you own a home, you must have homeowners insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: 

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and 
(2) It is located in Nebraska. 

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys. 

SHUTTERS: 

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages: 

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off. 

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December. 

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them. 

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska. 

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. Your neighbors will ignore this part, and your house will be destroyed by all manners of "pool toys", yard good and various Madonnas they failed to secure.

EVACUATION ROUTE: 

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. 

Be sure to follow the advice of "professional" weathermen on TV, because they are the experts. Try not to be too surprised when their recommendation takes you, and three hundred thousand of your closest friends, directly into the path of the hurricane. Be sure to have lots of gas, beer, and above all, remember that the "hurricane path is not carved in stone."

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: 

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. 
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) 
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant. 
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) 
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) 
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. 

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean. And on the second day, the President of these United States will come down, in an air-conditioned helicopter, to "assess the damage" and check on the "coordination" between his guys and his brother's guys and they'll both pat each other on the back and then get the hell back to an air-conditioned space.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.


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## SimpleSimon (Jan 15, 2004)

Hmmm. I should write one about blizzards. It'll look much the same. However, it only applies to city people. Mountain people already have 1-2 weeks of food & water, but our 55 gallon drum is full of gasoline for the generator that's already wired to main panel. 
Ya don't need as much deordorant when it's 10 degrees below zero.


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## MikeSoltis (Aug 1, 2003)

Another important point to remember is
This is not the time to panic.
Unless you are looking at the eye of a category 4 on your 'local' weather radar heading straight for your home. Then it's probably a pretty good time to panic.

One nice thing, with the storm that close, probably the lightest traffic I've ever seen on 41 and 75 ! ! !


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Thanks for the hurricane guide, Richard. It's the best one I've seen. I bet before a hurricane, those evacuation routes resemble traffic during rush-hour, which, in Atlanta, lasts 14 hours, from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m.

I never understood why someone would buy a $6,000 generator to save $50 worth of food when there's no gasoline available anyway. 

Haven't Floridians ever heard of basements? They have 'em in Nebraska in case of tornadoes which is just a skinny hurricane.

We had a hurricane here on the Georgia coast once - 40 years ago. It knocked over the menu board in front of Frank's Frankfurters. It was terrible. The president came down and said he was sorry. As we were shaking hands, we said "That's ok, Lyndon. It wasn't your fault. We're sorry about your previous boss."

As an experienced hurricane survivor, my best advice is just as soon as a tropical depression is spotted off the coast of Africa, head for Idaho. Don't even think about trying to 'ride it out'. You may have to shake hands with a president you didn't even vote for.

Smiley -->


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## DonLandis (Dec 17, 2003)

Nick- You don't understand Florida geology. The deepest basement you could have down here is about 3 feet deep as most places have lots of water any deeper. I hit water here in Jacksonville at about 5 ft. The hydrostatic pressure alone would pop a water tight basement out of the ground making your first floor the second deck of a house boat! 

If one owns a serious generator he should consider using LP gas. Burns cleaner and has less chance of start failure. You can keep a dedicated tank full for the required run time and the fuel won't degrade over time like gasoline will. If you have old gasoline stored year after year in a drum, hopefully full, you'd better consider cycling the entire drum full at least once a year or have great risk of running the generator fouling and filter clogging. 

As for me- I keep a supply of bottled water, we have a propane grill for cooking and have enough non-refrigerated food in the pantry for a week, Keep a supply of cash on hand and have a practice of maintaining a half tank of gas in the Van. Keep valuable documents in a fire proof, water proof portable safe.

Then I consider the probability of a disasterous hurricane hit in Jacksonville, Fl. Last hurricane hit in Jacksonville-in 1964, Dora. Since then we have gotten heavy rainfall and some tornados as a side effect of a nearby hurricanes. It takes a unique, uncommon combination of upper atmosphere steering currents to move a hurricane over Jacksonville.. Consequently I feel much safer here than I did in NY with the winter snow storms and if I had moved to Tampa as I originally planned. Not all places in Florida have Hurricane high risks. However, due to being in the state, our insurance rates are typical for a hurricane location. Guilty by association, I suppose.


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

DonLandis said:


> Nick- You don't understand Florida geology...


Don, I understand Florida's geology perfectly well. My post was _'tongue-in-cheek'_. Speaking of wells, I set up a camping tent here on the coast. Six tent pegs went into the ground and four of them struck water. If you're familiar with the Floridan Aquifer, it runs from below Fernandina all the way to Hilton Head. Right now, it's full due to all the rain this year and the aquifer's water pressure is such that if you dig your heels in, you get a free geyser. :lol:

I've researched generators, and I agree that for large full-house installations, a commercial propane-powered generator is the way to go. My eldest son recently built a rather large house on a mountainside east of Albuquerque, and he is considering putting in a gen.

This is the laughter forum. Apparently, the humor of my previous post in response to Richard's wasn't readily apparent. Next time, I'll do a smiley like this  so people will know when to laugh!


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## Bogy (Mar 23, 2002)

All I can say is, "Welcome to Nebraska."  :lol:


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## Nick (Apr 23, 2002)

Hey, Bogy! Nebraska ain't perzactly no garden spot either. Being just north of Kansas, which as I recall from the "Wizard of Oz" and my stepmother's underground storm shelter on the farm in NE KS, Nebraska is a boneyard of leftover twisters. I still say Florida hurricane refugees should keep on going all the way to Idaho. :lol:

Tell me again why we call you people "Huskers"?


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## JM Anthony (Nov 16, 2003)

Gus and I are well prepared for any hurricane that might hit Seattle.


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## Bogy (Mar 23, 2002)

Nick said:


> Hey, Bogy! Nebraska ain't perzactly no garden spot either. Being just north of Kansas, which as I recall from the "Wizard of Oz" and my stepmother's underground storm shelter on the farm in NE KS, Nebraska is a boneyard of leftover twisters. I still say Florida hurricane refugees should keep on going all the way to Idaho. :lol:
> 
> Tell me again why we call you people "Huskers"?


But we DO have basements and/or storm cellers.  We do NOT all get in our cars and go park on the freeway somewhere and wait for the storm to come and get us. :lol:

And we are Huskers 'cause our football team "shucks" their competitors.


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