# Differences between men and women



## Laverne

I think this is funny every time I read it, and just wondered if _you men _ found it humorous as well.   
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SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION 
By DAVE BARRY

CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador Retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of."

And Roger is thinking: "Gosh. Six months."

And Elaine is thinking: "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"

And Roger is thinking: . . . "So that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."

And Elaine is thinking: "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."

And Roger is thinking: "And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600."

COMMUNICATIONS GAP

And Elaine is thinking: "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."

And Roger is thinking: "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs."

And Elaine is thinking: "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."

And Roger is thinking: "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it . . ."

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . . '' (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

A BEFUDDLED BEAU

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

IT'S ANALYSIS TIME

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:

Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:

1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:

-- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?''

-- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.''

-- ''Good News, Roger! The doctor says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!''

-- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.''

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.''

And he will sincerely mean it.

The next relationship-enhancement tip is:

2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.

By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.

''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

Copyright by Dave Barry


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## Nick

I usually pass on long posts, but then I thought _"Hey! This is from Laverne! It's probably worth a long read."_ And it was. Thanks for the laughs, Laverne. 

I'm glad I did read it because, coincidentally, I'm about six months into a new relationship. Go figure. Her name is Susan, and what's different here is that she _gets_ me, and, not only that and probably more importantly, I get _her_ - I think. :sure: No transmissions here (although recently I did recommend my mechanic to her), but an understanding of each other that's not only comfortable, but very satisfying on a deeper level.

Yesterday, we were in a Radio Shack on Atlantic Blvd in Jacksonville. We were on a day-trip and I was buying a discontinued, but still popular radio scanner, on clearance, of course, for which I had previously done a search. While I was talking with "Bob" about the scanner, Susan comes over carrying a box containing a Logitech wireless keyboard/mouse, asking me if it would work on her computer. My heart :heart: skipped a beat!

That was the moment I _think_ I fell in love -- all over again! :sure:


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## theebdk

The biggest difference is electronics. My lovely wife of 10 years is bothered spending $10 on electronics. And we make plenty of money. I on the other hand am concerned about using the free cables that came with the $2,800 Samsung DLP and need to spend $100 on the video cable. When I met my wife she had 13 television channels in her apartment. Last year we upgraded to the Directv and now have 120 or so channels and about 13 kids channels. God bless America.


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## JM Anthony

Nick said:


> . . . not only that and probably more importantly, I get _her_ - I think. :sure: . . .


And here I thought you were a savvy, experienced kind of guy. Nick, you're a FOOL!!!! No man understands a woman. If you think you do, you're on too many endorphans, mind altering drugs, or suffering from sleep deprivation. Go take a cold shower, get plenty of sleep, eat a 24 oz. t-bone, and call your therapist in the AM.


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## JM Anthony

theebdk said:


> The biggest difference is electronics. My lovely wife of 10 years is bothered spending $10 on electronics. And we make plenty of money. I on the other hand am concerned about using the free cables that came with the $2,800 Samsung DLP and need to spend $100 on the video cable. When I met my wife she had 13 television channels in her apartment. Last year we upgraded to the Directv and now have 120 or so channels and about 13 kids channels. God bless America.


My wife gets bank account religion right after she's bought every f---ing last thing you can for a Harley. It's like all of a sudden she's a diabetic in shock after eating too much sugar filled Twinkies. She'll lecture the kids on the virtue of savings, tell them how expensive their college education is going to be, bring out the crackers and water for lunch. The good news is that it only lasts until: (a) she hits one of the VROD web sites and sees a new biker toy that she HAS to have, (b) sees a fellow rider with something cool on his/her bike that she HAS to have, (c) visits with Chaz and the local Cycle Barn and hears of something she HAS to have, or (d) watches me pick up something new of the home theater system, after which all lectures are off.

When she is in the trance-like state, I feel it's my obligation to snap her out of it as quickly as I can. The therapeutic record holder is a new home theater PC. She **** bricks when she found out what it cost, but it did the trick. Highly recommended for women who exhibit similar tendencies.


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## Nick

John, that sounds like the time-honored domestic marital sport I used to call competitive checkbooking', which today, of course, we would obligingly refer to as _dueling debit cards_. To paraphrase..."The only differences between _girls_ and boys are the ridiculously high prices of their overpriced grown-up toys". I know that's not satisfying prose, but what the heck can you expect at this hour of the morning. Speaking of which...


> And here I thought you were a savvy, experienced kind of guy...you're...suffering from sleep deprivation. Go take a cold shower, get plenty of sleep, eat a 24 oz. t-bone, and call your therapist in the AM.


Well, maybe you're right John...have you been peaking outside my window?  The sleep thing is becoming a problem for this old fart and the change to daylight whatever doesn't help. :shrug:

I know there's something _bad_ wrong when I have the 800 numbers to all the infomercials between midnight and 6am memorized. What I really need here is a sleep-deprived therapist that can help me in the middle of the night! Maybe Tammy, the pregnant nightshift waitress down at the WAFFLE HOUSE, would like someone to talk to. Frankly, I could use a T-bone Steak & Eggs platter right about now. :icon_an:

Anyway, thanks for the relationship advice, John. I'm sure you know what you're talking about. I know it's worth what what I paid for it. :scratch:

:zzz:


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## Laverne

theebdk said:


> The biggest difference is electronics....


AH-HEMMM! Wrong, wrong, wrong! The biggest difference is the TYPE of electronics, at least in our household. DH buys everything for the computer, some parts he gets practically free by virtue of his job. (His latest push is for a flat panel, but he has yet to sell me on the viewing angle range.) HOWEVER, our new HDTV and the 811 and all attached paraphenalia are MY babies! _(MINE!!)_ (He also has no idea the remote I want is ~$250!) But then there are also my secret greenhouse spending sprees.... :engel08:


JM Anthony said:


> ....bring out the crackers and water for lunch....


 :lol: :rolling:


Nick said:


> John...have you been *peaking* outside my window?


Isn't that a bit too personal of a question??  Or could it be...another one of Nick's typo's?! :eek2:  :lol: 

FYI, I have spent my whole life being fascinated by guys, trying to figure out what makes them tick. Imagine my disappointment to find out it's only a cheap-ass Armitron!


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## Nick

Armitron, Hell!

That would be the grandfather clock in the hall - you know - the tightly-wound one with the long, hard, swinging pendulum?

That's what makes this old boy tick. 

And no, that was _not_ a typo. Won't you peeps ever learn?


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## Laverne

Nick said:


> Armitron, Hell!
> 
> That would be the grandfather clock in the hall - you know - the tightly-wound one with the long, hard, swinging pendulum?
> 
> That's what makes this old boy tick.
> 
> And no, that was _not_ a typo. Won't you peeps ever learn?


The truth is out! Nick is really just an old perv who happened to pay attention in English! !rolling

(And just as I was about to remark in another thread that you reminded me of myself!  )


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## Bogy

Nick said:


> I usually pass on long posts, but then I thought _"Hey! This is from Laverne! It's probably worth a long read."_ And it was. Thanks for the laughs, Laverne.
> 
> I'm glad I did read it because, coincidentally, I'm about six months into a new relationship. Go figure. Her name is Susan, and what's different here is that she _gets_ me, and, not only that and probably more importantly, I get _her_ - I think. :sure: No transmissions here (although recently I did recommend my mechanic to her), but an understanding of each other that's not only comfortable, but very satisfying on a deeper level.
> 
> Yesterday, we were in a Radio Shack on Atlantic Blvd in Jacksonville. We were on a day-trip and I was buying a discontinued, but still popular radio scanner, on clearance, of course, for which I had previously done a search. While I was talking with "Bob" about the scanner, Susan comes over carrying a box containing a Logitech wireless keyboard/mouse, asking me if it would work on her computer. My heart :heart: skipped a beat!
> 
> That was the moment I _think_ I fell in love -- all over again! :sure:


You are obviously in love, since you are so irrational as to think you understand a woman. :lol:

My wife will do all she can to make it possible to buy any toy I really want. Obviously she understands me even if I don't understand her.  Of course I have done a lot of sacrificing for her over the years as well.

And Nick, since I'm currently unemployed again, I suggest you call my 900 # for your late night/early morning counseling. :lol:


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## JM Anthony

Nick said:


> . . . Anyway, thanks for the relationship advice, John. I'm sure you know what you're talking about. I know it's worth what what I paid for it. :scratch:
> 
> :zzz:


Always happy to help out. Those social science degrees I got back in '70 (1970's that is) have got to be worth something (never helped me get a job, but that's another story).


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## Richard King

G. Gordon Liddy just read the joke on his radio program. He had a terrible time reading it without breaking up a dozen times through the "event". :lol:


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## Laverne

Richard King said:


> G. Gordon Liddy just read the joke on his radio program. He had a terrible time reading it without breaking up a dozen times through the "event". :lol:


Yes, but did he say he got his copy from DBSTALK??? :whatdidid THAT would be the important thing!!


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## Nick

*Changing your Oil*

Step-by-step instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

==========================================================

Step-by-step instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7-11 to buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because you gotta finish the oil change. Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But since you can't remember most of this, you can only hope the job was done right!


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## tomcrown1

I know I never had a relationship with any Woman. ( I hope my girlfriend of five years understand this) What man wants a relationship??


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## Nick

tomcrown1 said:


> I know I never had a relationship with any Woman. ( I hope my girlfriend of five years understand this) What man wants a relationship??


...and that little gem of literary brilliance has to do with...? 

_"It is better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."_ - Mark Twain.


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## Laverne

Men - Instant morons, just add alcohol! !rolling

But seriously, Nick, what about this _Susan_ girl? Inquiring minds want to know.... Does she still _GET_ you??


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## Nick

As much as I liked her, it turns out Susan had an industrial-strength case of OCD (Obsessive Controlling Disorder), as well as three dogs, two cats, one current (estranged) husband, nine ex-husbands, and a partridge in a pear tree. 

It was an interesting few months, and a weird tale to be sure, but I'll spare everyone the details.


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## Bogy

Nick said:


> As much as I liked her, it turns out Susan had an industrial-strength case of OCD (Obsessive Controlling Disorder), as well as three dogs, two cats, one current (estranged) husband, nine ex-husbands, and a partridge in a pear tree.
> 
> It was an interesting few months, and a weird tale to be sure, but I'll spare everyone the details.


Sounds like a narrow escape Nick. Especially in your enfeebled state. :sure: (Unless the escape took place before the enfeeblement went into full gear. The last year or so has been kind of crazy for me, and details of when things happened...hey, thats what I have a wife for, to remember stuff like that.) :lol:

I always tell husbands to be, don't worry, during the ceremony I will tell you everything you need to do and say. After the ceremony is over, your wife will take over.


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